ice cream

I can't stand my father. About three weeks ago I went out and bought some ice cream because I wanted ice cream. I sat down with a bowl of it and then Madeleine called so I ate only like two spoonfuls of it and then put it in the freezer for another time. Let me explain to you how ice cream works. I bought a pint of ice cream. That's four servings. There was one in the bowl and three in the container. Two days later we leave on vacation. Two weeks later I come home and eat the ice cream that was in the bowl. One serving. The ice cream had melted and then refrozen and was gross and not enjoyable in the least. One week later I open the ice cream container to have another bowlful. I look in and I see that there's two spoonfuls left. My father ate almost three servings of ice cream in two days. This really pisses me off for a number of reasons. One: I bought that ice cream with my own money. Sure, I'm willing to share, but I expect to eat more than a quarter of it! Two: that my dad consumed so much of it in such a short amount of time. He's so glutenous and such a pig that he had more than one serving of ice cream in one day. Hmm, I wonder why he's fucking obese? He says, "I'm happy to share the ice cream" since when does share mean "pig out on something you didn't buy and leave two spoonfuls left"? And yesterday, I gave him a piece of cake that mom had made. And then he wanted another piece after he'd finished the first! He's such a pig! And then today after lunch I tell him I don't know what to have for dessert because there was the cake and ice cream sandwiches and ice cream (or so I thought). And you know what he said? He fucking said "Have a peach." Oh yeah, I'm sure YOU"D be satisfied with a fucking peach for dessert, Mr. I Want Two Slices Of Cake!

He fucking ate all my ice cream and all I had was barely one serving and it was gross anyway because it had melted and then refrozen and didn't have the same consistency of ice cream anymore. I'd hardly call that sharing. And he didn't even feel guilty about it. He opens the freezer, takes out the ice cream, sees that there's 3/4 left of it, and then eats it all, saving two spoonfuls. How do you not feel guilty about eating that much ice cream? And he knew I bought it with my money and - I hope - he knew that that meant I would fucking want some of it!

I feel like Ryan in Complete Works when he's playing Hamlet and he shouts "And I'm a vegetarian! And you know that!"
i hate him so much i don't know how i'm going to survive the next two years of my life I hate him I hate him I hate him fuck!
i'm not fucking going to knit him a fucking scarf no way i'm never going to spend that much time on him ever i hate him and will never do something that nice for him ever he's the ugliest, fattest, more disgusting person i know and I want to just rip our the scarf I started and throw it in his face and then run away and never ever come back but i know i can't because i don't have a job and mom threw out three eggplants that had been sitting in the fridge for weeks and he never used them I can't believe he'd just waste food and money like that he bought three fucking eggplants and never used them I bet I could plan meals more efficiently than that he's so wasteful and it's mom's money it's mom's money he's wasting because he's retired and only taps in to his ira to pay large bills he's sapping mom's money we're much better off without him we always get along so much better when he's not around how can I possibly love the one source of conflict in my life i hate him i hate him i hate him I'm really sorry, Brahma but I can't ever achieve nirvana or whatever because i can't forgive him and I can't become a nun or whatever because i can't forgive him i refuse to and i refuse to ever try to empathize with him because he's just way too messed up and I wish i were autistic so i wouldn't have to worry about any of this i could just have a few interests and live quietly and contentedly and let my parents take care of everything and be blissfully unaware when they were arguing or anything and just ignore everyone and live quietly and study music theory all day and that would be it and it would be so wonderful i'm not ready for all this responsibility and i don't want to worry about adult problems and i just want to be a little kid again and not have fucking summer homework or so many extracurriculars that i can't know my schedule or i'll stress out because of how busy i am and i really want to blow my nose but i don't want my father to know i've been crying over fucking ive cream because i don't want to give him that satisfaction and he's like the devil kin my life because he represents everything that i am against and I feel that i hold myself to a much higher standard than he in almost everything i do and i have to like resist temptation or something but its not even temptation to do what he wants because that's easy its like temptation to not get really angry at him every time he says something or does something dumb but this instance is one of the few times i've allowed myself to get outwardly angry normally i just hold it in and not say anything but i really went for it and pissed him off on purpose and i feel totally justified and i'm not guilty at whatever he feels i just wish i had some plumbing in my room so i could stay walled up in here forever and never leave my room and risk seeing him that's why i couldn't do any of my chores today because when i had the time to he was in the kitchen and i couldn't stand the possibility of him trying to talk to me or anything so i stayed in my room all day and didn't do any chores and now i feel bad because i should do my chores so mom doesn't get mad at me and i need the money because i don't have a job anymore and i really need to do my summer homework i can't believe natasha did all of hers already but then again she wasn't as busy as me and she said she had a lot of free time so i guess she didn't get out much but really that's like bragging and the only reason why she brought up homework was to brag that she'd finished which i admit is quite an accomplishment but please try to be modest about it

and i bet mom is mad at me too because she hasn't knocked on my door to talk to me yet

this is all my fault because i already had cake today and i wanted ice cream too which is very glutenous of me and quite hypocritical and i'm really sorry and regret it because if i had waited until my father had actually eaten all the ice cream, i could feel much more justified about being publicly upset with him and really tell him off for his definition for sharing and two spoonfuls is hardly enough for mom and i to share, but of course if we distributed the portions by weight then i'm sure his getting two and a half servings would be quite fair.

i really wish i could just boycott absolutely everything that he's done for me but i don't have the money to buy my own groceries and he bought my car and my bike so i am fucked if I can't depend on him just a little bit which really sucks because i like have to be grateful to him even though i hate him so much

fuck everything
ttyl

July 12, 2007

Matthew died on July 12, 2007 in the afternoon. He was 19 years old. I wasn't legally supposed to know about him. He didn't know me. He had been hospitalized for mutliple stab wounds in vital organs from a run-in with some gang members in Oakland. He had many infections, and the flesh on his lower back rotted from his laying in a bed for weeks. He was in the hospital for about two months before he died. He had a brother named Garret. His family visited him normally and were thankful for the nurses' care.

If I could say one thing to him, I would recite a prayer from Les Miserables: "Take my hand and lead me to salvation/Take my love, for love is everlasting/And remember the truth that once was spoken/To love another person is to see the face of God."

It's an odd thing to love someone you've never met, but I guess I'm particularly good at it, what with Erik and all. ttyl!

Summer Homework Update

Ok it's time for a summer homework update.

I've finished all my bio homework. Yay!!!! I also read Strunk & White. That means I have the following left to do.

Two internships

Two classes

One essay

Identify 60 terms

530 pages

I've also got homework in my ROP class and Nutrition class. For ROP, I have to keep a journal about my internship and write a page entry every week. For nutrition, I have to read roughly 690 pages and various projects involving keeping track of energy expenditure and intake. I've already read 326 pages of my nutrition book, so in all I have 856 pages left to read.

I got my driver's license on July 6. yay for me.

I have 44 days left. I don't know how this is going to work out. We leave for vacation on the 26. I'd like to have the APUSH homework done by then. My nutrition class will be over by then as well. I hope I'm on schedule.

ttyl!

Do you need a defibrillator in your office?

I can buy a $10 stethoscope at Staples. There is something very wrong with the world.

I can't concentrate

I don't want to go to the beach with my dad tomorrow. I want to hang out with my friends, but everyone has plans already. I miss everyone at school who graduated and I'll never see again. Junior year is going to be hell.

ttyl

You're the Top

I did the math. If you eat every food mentioned in "You're the Top", you will have consumed 783 grams of food, 784 Calories, and 35 grams of fat. We're talking about Napoleon Brandy (80 proof), a turkey dinner, camembert, a hot tamale, ovaltine (with nonfat milk), a Waldorf salad, and broccoli. oooh yeahh!

ttyl!

Summer

I am not looking foward to summer. I think I'm going to be too busy. School's been out for eight hours and I'm already stressed out.

Let's do the math:

I'm going to be doing two internships: one at YLI and one at an architecture firm in Larkspur.

I'm going to be taking two classes: BIO 100 at College of Marin and an advanced career management ROP class at MCOE.

I'm going to write six essays: Five for AP Bio and one for AP English 11.

I'm going to answer/define 91 questions/terms: 31 for AP Bio and 60 for AP US History.

I'm going to read 763 pages: 148 for AP Bio, 443 for AP English 11, and 172 for AP US History.

I've got 69 days in which to do it all.

Believe it or not, I wanted to hang out with my friends this summer. I wanted to go to as many plays as I could, and I wanted to usher at the Marin Shakespeare company. I wanted to get my driver's license. I wanted to go running in the mornings. I wanted to keep a dream journal. I wanted to learn a new song on my clarinet. I wanted to make some money.

I borrowed Les Miserables from KK like a year ago. I still haven't finished it. Now I never will. I won't have time. Ever.
ttyl

Shuffle

I went to the cast party yesterday and I had a lot of fun. Near the end Indie, Ben, Brittany, and Tim were lying on the hammock and I went over and sat down next to them. Then Brittany got up and Ben invited me to take her place between him and Tim. So I did. Then Ben said he figured we'd be lying here a while, so he might as well take his shirt off and get a tan. It was slightly wet, so it stuck to his skin and he had a hard time getting it off. And he definitely did need a tan. So Ben and Tim are good friends so they talked mostly. I learned a lot of stuff about Ben. He has a girlfriend in Oakland. I'm actually really happy about that because now I can be friends with him and really convince myself that that's all there is. Then because Tim is Tim, they talked about video games and stuff. Ben had one arm around Indie and one around me and then there was Tim who didn't quite get it and was the only one fully dressed. Tim always has to bring up how he and Ben are like good and evil twins and I said I would melt of happiness if they morphed together into one super man. Then Jon came over and asked if he was the geekiest becasue he worked at a video game store, and Indie said that was geekiness squared. I said it was geekiness times Avogadro's number. Then Tim and Ben talked about how Avogadro's number is 6.02 times ten to the positive 23rd, because of a mistake that happened during Jeopardy. So we had this light conversation going on and it was really nice and I wanted it to never end, but then people started getting up. I took the chance to ask Ben about the song in the car and this is how it went.

Me: Ben, can I ask you an awkward question?
Ben: Um, sure.
Me: Remember after an Anything Goes rehearsal, you gave me a ride home and we listened to Jersey Boys?
Ben: Yeah?
Me: Why did we listen to that song?
Ben: Which one?
Me: I don't know, it was like a love song and it was really awkward.
Ben: Oh, it was on shuffle.
Me: okay.

So. I was melancholy for the rest of the day, but it might have been just because I was tired. But this shows that Ben considers me a friend and I'm content with that. I don't know him very well anyway. I want to hang out with Tim and Ben and Cameron and Emma and Keleki and Zac and that crowd more often. They are really funny and know all the words to every musical ever.

After all, everyone knows Cacambo is the coolest character in Candide. ttyl!

It's Official

Well, I blew it. I'm officially an idiot. I always sound like such a stalker when I'm around Ben. He probably thinks I'm crazy and obsessed with him. Why can't I turn back the clock and just try to be friends with him? I have to apologize for being an idiot, but I don't want it to look like I'm stalking him. He's probably avoiding me anyway. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend.

I missed out on the whole boy craziness of middle school. I've had one boyfriend in my life; the most we did was hug, it lasted a little over a month, and he has a boyfriend now. Because I wasn't friends with many guys, I don't have the social skills to be able to coherently talk to one now, when we actually have hormones. Why can't I just be normal and act normal around people? I don't know how to get to know people. I wish I were more outgoing and funny. But that's not going to happen, so I'm just going to be the quiet one sitting in a corner until he forgets I exist.

Try not to get worried
Try not to turn on to problems that upset you, oh
Don't you know everything's alright, yes
Everything's fine
And it's cool and the ointment sweet
For the fire in your head and feet

I can't even look him in the face when I'm near him. His gaze is too powerful. I'm in love with a dream; I don't even know him. I'm only friends with him when I'm asleep. I'm going to write a story about a girl who was in a terrible accident and is confined to a hospital bed. When she sleeps, she dreams about a man whom she falls in love with. Every night, they spend the precious hours together, doing whatever they please. Each morning, she becomes frustrated with herself when she wakes that she can no longer be with him until night. She tells a sibling or close friend, who adamantly scolds that he's not real and she's crazy, but she doesn't listen. Then one morning, she and her lover are together and in the back of her mind she hears her sibling or friend trying to wake her, but she pushes this away. She looks at her lover and in her eyes he knows she wants to stay with him forever, so he tells her that she can stay, but she can never go back. With that, she severs all earthly ties and fully enters the dream. At the last moment, she is vaguely aware of her sibling or friend weeping over her dead body, until her dreamscape slowly fades to black. The dream must cease when the dreamer is no more.

Only when I'm with Erik, I won't die because my soul will be with him in Heaven already. I think Ben is just supposed to be my muse. You don't have to be romantically invloved with your muse. They just have to inspire you. Well, I'll be sure to think of him when I have time to do something recreational. I need to go to bed. I don't know Ben, and it's against everything I cherish to be in love with a face, no matter how beautiful he is. Then again, how will I every fully appreciate Erik until I know the other side of the coin? Anyway, it's late. ttyl!

Can't Take My Eyes Off You

Ben gave me a ride home from Anything Goes rehearsal and we listened to this song from Jersey Boys. With Ben it is always extremes. Ergo, it was really really awkward. I wished I knew the song so I could sing it to him. He said, "Listen to this, this is a good song." does that mean "I like this song, it's cute" or "Imagine me singing this to you"? The more I listen to the song, the more I wish the answer is number two. I had the best dream last night and it involved Ben.

I'm hungry and don't have much time. ttyl!

Rehearsal for Anything Goes

I had a crazy dream last night. What else is new. I was getting set up for an Anything Goes rehearsal and I was trying to find Ben because I love Ben, but Mr. Sinaiko kept getting in my way and I was being really autistic and he was too close and it was scary. He kept taunting me about a dream I had that he was in, but it wasn't a dream that I actually had. It had something to do with blackberries. I don't think I ever found Ben because something else happened and then everyone left because rehearsal had ended.

I want to take some classes at College of Marin over the summer. I want to take beginning architectural design, intro to psychology, and intro to theatre. I also want to take 2-D computer graphics for architecure, but it has an advised prerequisite of beginning architectural drafting, which doesn't look as interesting as beginning design. I'll probably only take one at most because they're all at the Kentfield campus.

I'm almost finished with my vocab project. I have to put a title on it and then I think that's it. Most of my words are from comics, crosswords, and other word puzzles. I have a lot of extra words. I think I'll give some of them to Netta and save the rest for some lucky Freshman.

Keleki lost her voice last night. She had to suffer through two songs and then Corey sang all of Friendship and then Paige sang for her the rest of the night. The band practically died when Connor pushed the old lady over. It's not that it was especially funny, but he'd never done it before. My favorite line is Corey's "Calling all pants, calling all pants, calling all pants!" I'm going to bring in a bird caller thing for Corey's song. I'll make Josh play it. It'll be funny.

Gypsy in Me is my favorite song from Anything Goes. I'm glad that I get to play in it, but I'm sad that I don't get to see Zac and Keleki dance during it.

I have to do my Spanish homework. ttyl!

Woyzeck saves the day and my cat

I had a really weird dream last night. I was in a grocery store and it was on Grant Avenue. They were selling kittens and puppies at the store. I looked at them and they were cute. Then I went to the refridgerated dairy products section, and they had smaller, runt kittens for sale in yogurt cups. There was one I really liked. She was a light orangish brown with a spot of yellow right above her nose. I can't remember her name. I believe it started with a C. So I bought her and took her outside because she needed to poop. I set her down, and she ran away! Into the street! I chased after her, and luckily neither of us was hit by a car. I chased her all around the square. People were trying to help, and one of them managed to get a leash on her. It was red. This is where it gets complicated. I'm standing outside the grocery store, there is Grant Ave. running across in front of me, and there is a street that runs perpendicular to that, which ends when it hits Grant. I am facing that street that ends. There is a young woman with long golden hair on the sidewalk stage left to the street I am facing. She is walking toward me with a chocolate lab on a red leash. Somehow, Chad Deverman as Woyzeck manages to grab the leash of my cat, but he's on rollerblades or something and can't stop, so he runs into the girl with the dog and everyone falls down. Chad is still holding on to my cat when I get there. He is lying flat on his back. I take the leash from him and kneel down and kiss him on the forehead. Then he's kind of confused, so my mind rewinds time to right before I kiss him. Instead of kissing him on the forehead, I remove his sunglasses and kiss him full on the lips. I surprised myself awake, and end of part I. Part II I can't remember as well, but Chad and Ryan were there and they were pixies or something weird. Ryan was acting as the Doctor and he kept yelling at Chad that he couldn't do certain things, but Woyzeck, in his craziness and also because he was trying to help other people out, kept proving him wrong. It was like we were in this house that was just a big indoor pool. Chad told Woyzeck that he couldn't go in the water because something bad would happen, I can't remember, it had something to do with the elements. He also told him he couldn't leave the house, becasue the air outside was full of fire, but since Chad was just out rescuing my cat, that wasn't true either. There was a fly flying around and it was, according to Ryan, a particularly malignant type of fly and that you couldn't touch, but Chad swatted it away and nothing bad happened. It was just really annoying. The house had all cream colored walls. I think at one point I was outside in my backyard. There wasn't much of a plot, other than Chad proving Ryan wrong about everything.

My dad is back from vacationing. It is annoying. He is annoying. I feel like I hold myself to higher standards than he does, and he disgusts me. It's like he's trying to make me fat and a couch potato. He was making lunch, and told me I could have one of the brownies he made previously. I'm like, "Um, not until AFTER lunch, thanks." and he keeps telling me about all these shows and crap on TV, and I'm like, "I haven't watched TV in almost two months. No thanks." And he always thinks I'm in a bad mood. News flash, father! Your second daughter is a quiet person, not a goth. Sorry I'm not the loud inyourface princess my older sister is.

Creo que reggaeton es muy interesante. Me gusta mucho. Tambien me gusta escribir en espanol. Puedo entender algas palabras en este cancion. Estoy contenta sobre eso.

That's it. ttyl!

Bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki

I am disgusted with my classmates. At least twenty of the kids in my history class supported the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. How can anyone condemn someone to death, let alone 200,000 innocent people you don't even know? What if one of them had grown up to find a cure for cancer? Now you're condemning millions more people to death. And the bombing fucking didn't even end the war. The Japanese military generals weren't going to surrender. They didn't care about civilian lives. The only reason Japan surrendered is that Emperor Hirohito was afraid for his own life, and he persuaded the military generals to surrender. Not because of the fucking bombings. Those 200,000 people fucking died for no reason. Those 200,000 innocent civilian people who had hopes and dreams in their heads who suffered and learned and cried and laughed either were suddenly wiped off the face of the earth, or forced to die a slow and painful death from radiation in a destructed city with no resources. Sure, Japan was horrible and barbaric in war strategies and especially with the treatment of POWs, but does that excuse the Allies killing over 200,000 innocent civilians? I thought my classmates were more mature than "An eye for an eye." Besides, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. If someone hits you and you hit them back and knock a tooth out, are you justified? Should you have hit them less hard? Should you have blocked their attacks and tried to work it out? I say, if it's too late to talk things out, then yes please defend yourself, but only defend yourself, and knocking someone's tooth out is not defending yourself. Even Madeleine and Christina. How can I befriend and respect two people who wish death upon someone else? It makes me sick.

I kept whispering to myself,

Let suffering be all my thoughts
Let suffering be my only duty
God, as your body was red and wounded
Let my heart be as such forever and ever

This whole situation reminds me of a great quote from the Pillowman. Katurian says, "I murdered two people who tortured a child for seven years. You murdered three children who hadn't tortured anybody for any years. There's a difference."

I ask you, is there a difference? Are any of these murders justified in any way?

I can think of so many arguments for why the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were complete folly and I bet I can shoot down any argument for the other side. Sure, I can think of a lot of "benefits" that came about from the bombings. Our economy boosted, but it would have anyway if we had won the war without bombing Japan. Other countries learned not to mess with the US because we dared to use an a-bomb. I can shoot this down with the following hypothetical situation. Mercutio and Tybalt are fighting. Tybalt stabs Mercutio to show the Montegues that the Capulets are better. Surely this would make everyone fear the overzealous and over-violent Tybalt. But why trade lives for fear? And besides, what happens next? Romeo comes along and kills Tybalt. Who is Romeo? Iran? DPRK? Iraq? Afganistan? It was almost Russia. Who's going to come along and play the same dirty trick the US played on Japan back on the US? Only this time it will be worse because Romeo already knows the power of Tybalt, so he will have to fight even harder and dirtier. The US bombing Japan instilled not only fear, but hatred and contempt in developing countries. The US could have earned respect and awe, and then Romeo would have learned to accept Tybalt and not kill him. See how it works? You can't argue with Shakespeare.

All this aside, it is still a war crime to kill innocent civilians for what the military is doing. No matter what anyone says, it is a crime against humanity. Supporting the death of 200,000 innocent civilians is also a crime against humanity.

This really happened. A man had an affair with a woman out of wedlock. He was caught and convicted. Do you know how they punished him? His sister was raped. Fucked, really. Fornication with consent of the king. In this case, it was more like with consent of the military dictator, but really. Can you support this innocent girl being raped? After all, her brother fucked someone else illegally. It's the brother's fault, he should be punished, not her. How can you support the death of 200,000 innocent civilians who loved and laughed and struggled when it was really the military's fault? How can you support the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki but not this incident when they are so clearly in principle the same idea? How hypocritical can you be?

There is a terrorist somewhere out there whose greatest wish is the death of all Americans because of what Bush has done in Iraq. If he gets together a big enough group and kills every American, is he justified? He will kill you because of what a US soldier did to his brother. Tortured and dehumanized him. He blames it on you. He will track you down and kill you because you are American and one day surely you will go to Iraq and torture him unless he kills you first. Is he justified? How is this incident any different than the Allies bombing Japan? Sure, you know, now everyone's learned not to mess with him, and his economy is doing great, but just you wait, Romeo will come along one day and destroy everything that terrorist has built. Of course, the original terrorist is long since dead, but Romeo will take it out on his descendants, and it will become a never-ending cycle of death and revenge. And it will never be justified.

ttyl

Brookie Brigade

I logged into Jenny's facebook account and looked at Ben's photo archive. It was funny. Today at lunch he was filming a spanish music video and I was an extra. He was a spanish pop singer. I was a fan in the audience. It was fun.

Yes. I have reached the lowest of the low in my life. I'm jealous of a little nine year old girl. Yes. I admit it. I can't believe it, but it's true. Didn't think it was possible, but it's happened. Mr. Sinaiko loves his daughter. They sat next to me at the Visit. I'm jealous of Maya. She has a normal, trusting, loving relationship with her father. And it's Sinny. I wanted to sit next to him because it was fun listening to what he thought about the super soiree and I thought it would be the same, but he was only paying attention to his daughter, and I completely understand that. It's possible to understand something and still be hurt by it. Is it wrong that I value and respect his opinions and wanted to share his thoughts on the play? I get that he was there as a parent with a child, not as a teacher, and he has to juggle multiple people vying for his attention constantly at school and he was just trying to be with his daughter.

If I become famous, my biography will be very interesting. ttyl!

Beneath this tree...

Listening to Little bird, little bird from Man of La Mancha. Great musical.

I tried talking to Sinny about the connections between Man of La Mancha and Woyzeck. Quixote goes on this impossible dream saying that he will make the world a better place by doing all thiese crazy things. Woyzeck gets pushed into doing a lot of these things by the doctor and the captain, but he is on the opposite spectrum than Quixote.

To dream ... the impossible dream ...
To fight ... the unbeatable foe ...
To bear ... with unbearable sorrow ...
To run ... where the brave dare not go ...
To right ... the unrightable wrong ...
To love ... pure and chaste from afar ...
To try ... when your arms are too weary ...
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

This is my quest, to follow that star ...
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause ...
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ...

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest ...
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach ... the unreachable star

That's the Impossible Dream from Man of La Mancha. So Woyzeck also does a lot of these things. He fights the unbeatable foe: poverty. But he loses. His mother accepted that all she would ever do is suffer, but Woyzeck can't. He has to bear all the dehumanizeing experiments the doctor puts him through, and the things the captain does to him while he's shaving him. The doctor and the captain put him through all these dreadful experiments and phychological beatings just to see where he'll wind up. That's going where the brave dare not go. Tests on people are this. Assuming falsely that the doctor and captain are brave, they are putting Woyzeck all these things that they dare not do themselves, but want to know the outcome. Woyzeck is trying to right himself by living normally, but he is too oppressed and his life is controlled by other people. He doesn't love pure and chaste from afar obviously. The all-pea diet is slightly responsible for some of his madness.

It's hard to tell is Woyzeck is the normal one and everyone else is crazy, or if he's crazy and everyone else is normal. It's expressionist, so everyone else is portrayed only as it appears to Woyzeck, so if he thinks they are crazy, they will act crazy.

I'm trying to get hold of Stina so she can tell Sam to say "She had the most beautiful Aberratio" or something in his welcome speech during The Visit. Mr. Sinaiko will be there, and it's from Woyzeck, so he'll get a kick out of it. The doctor diagnoses Woyzeck with an aberratio mentalis partialis. But if he said something like, "My doctor said I have an aberratio" that would probably be enough. And the audience might still think it's funny. Maybe if he just said "Aberratio mentalis partialis" because the audience would think it's funny that he's spouting false medical terms, and Sinny would get it. I can't figure what an aberratio is. It's either Latin or German. Aberratio mentalis partialis is made up by Buchner, but Aberratio ictus is like a German literary term. It's frustrating.

I have to do my homework. ttyl!

Siempre me caigo

Title is from a song and it means 'I always fall down"

Ben cut his hair. He had to for "Anything Goes", and Zac will have to as well as soon as Beth finishes filming her movie. but I loved his hair. I even wrote a poem about it. The formatting probably won't show up, but here it is. It makes a lot of allusions to songs and plays, so it's a bit weird. I wonder what Ms. Sommer will think when I turn it in.

When Ben Cut his Hair

A Reactionary Poem

Stream of Consciousness

This title has three commas in it

It is just way ahead of its time

Highway 5

Wide expanse of blooming trees abound

We move so quickly,

And yet

We never get anywhere

The sweet smell of shampoo

Radiating from it,

His gray sweatshirt, is my pillow

I don’t like like him

I never did

Never think I did

So vanquish all doubt of that

My heart is ossified

For ever and ever

Oh, my iPod

The soul of the teenager, my life

You are dead.

There will be no reprieve

There will be no music to comfort

AllusionElisionConfusionCollusion

The music will not comfort

It shall haunt me forever

My heart, forevermore hold still

For ever and ever

What I loved has turned against me

He said himself they are of the same mold

Yin and yang

They are complete

Opposite

Take your mind off it

Think of something someone else

His better half?

Perhaps

I have a memory

It cleanses my misgivings

A reverie

I see his smiling face i

Float like seraphim

The sun whose rays are all ablaze

With everlasting glory

Does not deny his majesty…

But see his face before me

– Stop it

That’s PoeticPatheticPeripatetic

Quiet

I dust my shoulder of you!

You icy dame

That hammering there between the eyes

No, Woyzeck, no! Slow down!

hush___________________

Box little box

Containing four white points four small corners

I love him, but only on my own

Little bird, little bird please fly

Please go

Little bird, little bird and

Tell him so

Little bird, little box

Little box

Small box happy box calm box

Small box happy box calm box

Square bi Chinese symbol for earth

No box wrong box bad box

Small box happy box calm box

Four numbers in a box Cramer’s rule

Dizi

No box no flute no globs

Small box happy box calm box

Small box happy box calm box….

Where am I?

Yes. Here.

You are here still

I still believe

I know as long as I can keep believing,

I live

I live, love cannot die

For ever and ever

Though beards are shaved and hair

It is cut

You are still

I am left with your memory

It’s something-esque

So that's my poem.

I saw Mr. Sinaiko in Woyzeck a few days ago. I told him if he played a bad guy it would give me nightmares, but I haven't had any yet, thank goodness. It is kind of scarring to see someone you really respect play such an IMMORAL character. Immoral's probably not the correct word, but those of you who have seen the play would know that the Captain sees himself as a very virtuous person, but he really isn't.

Some people make great Fiyeros. Belgium would have. And now Francis Serpa would have. He was George Gibbs in Our Town by RVP.

I understood "The Impossible Dream" from Man of la Mancha. It's a really good song, but my version has a lot of skips in it.

That's it. ttyl!

I Still Believe

Title is the song I've been listening to over and over again from "Miss Saigon" it's really potent.

This would be an interesting experiment: have people listen to the finale of the Firebird, "Oh Happy We" from Candide, and Micaela's Aria from Carmen and see which one is more moving to them, the one with no words, the one in English, or the one they can't understand but has words. Personally the firebird is the most moving; I get chills down my spine when it is played at full volume. Creepy. But I love the horn part in Micaela's aria. "Oh, Happy We" makes me happy, but the two lovers aren't listening to each other so it has some tension that never really develops into anything because they are torn apart.

that's it. ttyl!

I don't want to be LIKE Jesus, I Fucking am Jesus

The title is the best line of Martin McDonagh's The Pillowman and it's a really disturbing play. Anyway, I won't be talking about it right now because it's time to talk about Tim.

Tim is weird. He's really smart and always makes allusions to history, movies, and things like that to be funny and to insult people. He likes classic literature, manga, classical music, video games, and biochemistry. He has big hair. Not good big hair, like Robert Plant big hair, only not as shiny, blonde, or long. Or well kept, for that matter. Anyway, he sounds pretty cool, right? Right. We're friends. My sister nags me that I should go out with him. But it will never happen. Now I will tell you why. Remember that he teases and insults people? Well, he doesn't seem to know the difference between the two. I can understand light teasing and joking around with people, but you're not supposed to downright insult your friends unless you're having a heart to heart. And Tim doesn't seem to know the difference between teasing someone, or even insulting someone facetiously, and putting them down.Yes, it's good to be honest, but not so brutally frank. If you're going to tear the very fiber of a person's being asunder, be polite about it. So my liking Tim will never happen. You know how you think about a person differently than how you feel about someone when you're with them? Yeah. A few days ago, I got totally excited just thinking about how Tim wrote these notecards that I was reading. But not so much when we're sitting together writiting more flashcards. I'm sorry, but I need a friend who is supportive of me if I put myself out there, not insult me. I am trying my best to disillusion myself with Tim and realize the immature person he is who can't hold his tongue for the life of him. ttyl

Open up into In

Title is me not hearing a lyrics correctly to "Memory" from Cats by ALW. It bugs me how everyone thinks it's called "Memories."

Just sitting here, listening to theme songs. To me, theme songs means a song with a very clear message, or that evokes a strong emotion. Not theme songs as in the little ditty before a TV show.

Jenny and I went to the mall today. We were just looking, so we know what there will be when we go shopping after Christmas. There wasn't anything cute except the llama shoes. I love the llama shoes. They are made by Ked's and they are freaking $40, but they are green and have llamas on them and are fuzzy. They also have brown ones with owls and blue ones with seahorses, but those aren't fuzzy. They are just so expensive, you'd think they went down in price after all these months. Plus, it's winter so I don't need flats. And I have a very cute flats collection already. I don't need any more shoes. Marisa would be very jealous if I got them.

Jenny and I ran into Ben and Zac at the mall. They were sitting, taking abreak from Christmas shopping. They are very nice and comical and I wish I knew them better. Theatre/musical theatre kids are so charismatic. I wish I - well, no. I don't wish I were like them. I am glad that I am quiet and introspective. The problem with theatre kids is that they are so constantly around each other and in other people's problems that they never have time to look at themselves and find out who they are or think about what they really want. They are too busy being other characters and dealing with others that how can they find themselves? I guess this is where the saying "in order to find yourself, you have to try to be someone else" but I can't see how that works. I guess it"s because I've never tried it. It's not that I'm content with myself, but I wouldn't give up band and chamber music just for an experiment like that.

So back to Ben and Zac. I wish I knew them better. I wish I were friends with them. It's because they are so charismatic that people are just attracted to them. They think on their feet, they are animated, and they always have something funny to say. They're like Tim only they don't insult you so much. I used to wish I had Ben's email address so I could email him and say, "Hey we don't know each other very well but you're really nice and I wish we were better friends and since we have no classes together just email me back if you want to chat." but it would never work because he'd think, "Whoa, stalker!" and hate me forever.

I can't say I like any boys because I don't know any well enough. Sure, there's Garrett, who's really cute, but I've only talked to him once and it went like this,
Me: I didn't know you wore glasses
Garrett: Yeah, my eyes are screwed up...

Can't you feel the connection?

Listeneing to "What you Own" and thinking about Christina's party. Everything makes sense. "For once the shadows gave way to light" For once I got to talk to all the theatre/musical theatre kids "For once I didn't disengage" For once I held their gaze and flirted shamelessly like a saloon girl.

Jenny and I looked at the pictures on Netta's myspace. That party was so fun.

Have I said too much? I can't think of any more to say. I need to studyt for finals. ttyl!

PS Elphaba is right, as always. Love comes at much too high a cost!

Murder at the Deadwood Saloon

Christina's birthday party was last night. It was really really fun, but I lost my voice and I might be getting sick, so that put a damper on it. I was a saloon girl and got to flirt with all the boys, which was really fun because I normally only flirt with Drew because it's hard not to flirt with Drew because he's just that kind of person. But anyway, it was fun because they were all musical theatre or drama boys, and I don't know them that well so it wasn't really awkward. There was Ben, Zac, Charlie, Cameron, Corey, and Daniel. Hannah and Kati also played boys. So I got to flirt with everyone but Cameron and Corey because I barely talked to Corey at all, and Cameron was my employer.

It was fun. But there was one really awkward interaction with Charlie. So I know I was a saloon girl, and I dance with people, but am I a whore? So Charlie and I were talk/flirting and he was all, "I need some asistance," and I didn't really understand what he meant. So I was like, "How so?" and he said, "You could start at the belt and work your way down," and that was pretty suggestive and I didn't know if I was supposed to agree or be offended or what. So I said something about money and he totally freaked out and said something like, "Okay, I'm going to have to back out of this one." so I don't know if he had meant something completely different, or maybe someone else came into the room and he had to talk to them as one of his objectives, or whatever. But then for the rest of the night neither of us mentioned it and just flirted shamelessly like it hadn't happened. Should I ask him about it? Will I ever talk to him again? We've only talked before once, at the blood drive, and that was only for a minute because he wanted to talk to his drama friends.

I didn't dance with many people because everyone just wanted to "talk business" and figure out the murder and accomplish his or her objectives.

It was a party. Everything I did meant nothing because it was acting. No regrets. Just fun memories.

I've been thinking; maybe the Mark in a Chorus Line is the same Mark in Rent. But that would make Mark in Rent like 33 years old, and I think he's supposed to be early twenties. Too bad. That would have been so cool.

I have to go. Happy holidays and ttyl!

Hamilton Science Night

I worked at the Hamiltonj Science night and I helped at the digestive system table. Christina was at the skeletal and mucsular systems table and the adult running that table was a personal trainer for Idina Menzel and Tracie Thoms when they were in San Francisco filming Rent. His wife is a nutritionist who worked with the cast also. After all the kids left, Christina introduced me to him and so I am two degrees away from Anthony Rapp and Idina Menzel. And the guy's kids are going to London to see Idian Menzel in Wicked and they have back stage passes. That is so amazing. I feel happy and sad because now I am relapsing into being obsessed and I don't want to be obsessed but I so wish I knew Anthony Rapp. It would be so fabulous if I were some famous person's architect or psychiatrist/psychologist. Then when I'm at a science night function there will be awkward teens gawking over my connections and I'll feel special and tell them, "Yes, I know Anthony Rapp. He's a very nice person." and they would spazz out and their dream to meet their role model would be reignited.

I wonder what Anthony Rapp is doing right now. Probably sleeping. That's what I should do. ttyl!

Two Butterflies

Most hilarious thing just happened. On the AcDec music samples, I really like this one song called "Two Butterflies" by Pang Long so I looked it up on the internet and the first site was this kid's blog that says the same thing I just said! Except for the part that it happened to him too. How hilarious is that. So I totally wanted to leave a comment and say that it was my favorite song on the CD too but you had to have an account to leave a comment so now he'll never know.

So anyway I had a really weird dream and I know I haven't written up any of my dreams for a long long time but I usually don't write them up if I can tell someone about them and I couldn't tell KK all of it because she wouldn't like it and I didn't understand the chemistry so I had to pay attention in class for once. So. So it starts as like a movie would. Nice, normal suburb with a crazy old man living in it. He runs out of his house with a rifle because the senator lives across the street and he's trying to protect her. But he's crazy and the senator's at work so it doesn't matter. Then all of a sudden a huge jet plane crashes into San Francisco and destroys it all. The crazy man's wife comes outside to see what happened and she realizes that it's going to be a New Orleans incident and grabs the man's gun and shoots herself in the head. Then unfortunately for me at that moment I just had to become a character instead of just watching this happen so I was their kid and the crazy guy was trying to shoot me too but she shot himself instead and I ran away. Then I was at home and it wasn't my home and it wasn't even my real home in my dream but my room had a perfect view of San Francisco and this terrorist group had set the whole city on fire to set up this huge affordsable housing communist building. Me, future architect of America, was critisizing the building because it blew up San Francisco and because it wasn't very pretty. (they had already layed out the foundation steel support rods and inner structure stuff) But the guy in charge of it set up his headquarters right outside my window and he could hear and I really hated him because he killed all these people just to build a communist affordable housing building. And he wore cream colored slacks and one of those white peasant tops that have a low V-neck. Weird. And he had short blonde hair. I don't think he had a name. This bugs me. Oh well. So my mom and I were in this awesome house and I guess there was a party going on because there was a bunch of people there and we were eating junk food and watching TV and trying on funky clothes and stuff but it was really late and I was tired and I was leaving to go to Arnold's grandmother's house in Scotland. I don't know an Arnold, though. So that ended and I was at his grandmother's house doing all sorts of errands and realizing that Arnold is really stuck up and full of himself because he is so virtuous and always knows the right thing to do. I had a lot of adventures right here but I can't remember them. They involved exploring the house and running errands. And his grandmother was being blackmailed by a motorcycle gang and they wanted 40lbs of dried prunes and I was going to the grocery store anyway to deposit a bunch of coins in the coinstar thing for her, so I had to buy prunes too. They were having a sale at the store on them, which was good. And Travis worked there. He helped me find the 20lb cans in the back. So I got those and forgot about coinstar and got in line to pay. And in the chasier line next to me was the leader guy of the communist affordable housing building. And his cashier was all, "You stole this credit card, dude. I'm going to have to get you arrested." So I felt really bad for him because his downfall should have been something more interesting than credit card fraud. Then I gave him a huge hug because I felt so bad for him and everyone was confused because I hated him. So I had to explain myself that I was only hugging him and can't I feel bad for someone and hate them at the same time? But I think we did more than hug but that isn't appropriate for this blog. So then I left with the dried prunes and did I mention this groceryt store was in London and Arnold's grandmother lived in Edinburgh? But luckily, the two cities are only three blocks away. So a ran into the street and a big blue bus was coming, so I jumped out of the way and sat down on the sidewalk and started crying because I almost got run over and I was kind of stressed out about what happened at the grocery store because I might have been falling in love with that evil communist affordable housing building guy who bruned down San Francisco even though I still really hated him. And he counts for someone who I hate even though Sueli doesn't think I hate anyone. I hate the communist affordable housing casanova part of me. So then everyone in the cars were all, "So are you going to cross? You can the right of way now!" So I did and then a dragon came and stole the prunes and I woke up. Oh yeah and the evil communist affordable housing building guy had an English accent.

Pretty weird, huh? ttyl!

Happiness is walking hand in hand

Quote from "Happiness" in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. I don't know who wrote it.

Yesterday was the whole incidient with the crazy trespassing guy and me calling 911 and totally spazzing out and Erik was there but he was silent. I'm listening to Rent and remembering when I first got the CD and following along in the libretto and feeling a strong feeling of thankfulness toward Jonathon Larson and Anthony Rapp.

I'm supposed to be doing my history homework. Did you know Emannuel Swedenborg is mentioned in Les Miserables by Victor Hugo?

Inspiration for a new phic by the play 'Mother Courage". Somehow Erik takes in a girl who can't talk and is amazing on flute. She can't read literature, but she can read music and spells her name out "A-B-B-E" and Erik decides she means Abby. Then Erik tries to teach her to read but he isn't sure if she is learning. There is general confusion about how smart she is and then in the end she saves Erik from some kind of peril at the cost of her life.

I need to keep working, so ttyl!

IRISH BUTTER con't

Yesterday I was going to make brioches, but it didn't end well. I got to the step when you add eggs. One of the eggs was all bloody and the yolk had a lump on it like it was fertilized. I was really depressed. So we had to throw it all away. And then I forgot to ask Ms. Sommer if I would even get extra credit if I brought them in. Then today my mom went to Trader Joe's and got more IRISH BUTTER, but she got salted, and you can't bake with salted butter! So tomorrow I have to ask Ms. Sommer about the brioches.

I don't know what else to say.
ttyl!

IRISH BUTTER

Just reliving seeing WICKED over the summer while listening to Idina Menzel belt out "The Wizard and I."

So the problem about what to do with the IRISH BUTTER is solved. And my mom says butter keeps really well so it won't go bad any time soon. I am going to make brioches! I'm hoping Ms. Sommer will give me extra credit for making a vocab word. Brioches are really hard, so I have to get up at 4am to make them. I hope I can do it. The hardest bread I've ever made is challah. It took a very very long time. Some eight hours, I believe. So I've mapped out my brioche making time. I have to start at 7pm this evening and should be done by 6:30 tomorrow morning.

God, I love Wicked.

I should do my binary composition. I think I'll do a ternary composition instead. I just have to slightly rewrite a guitar duet and then I should be good.

What am I supposed to do with all these stupid Spanish vocab flash cards? I don't think I'll ever use them ever. It seems like such a waste to recycle them. Maybe I'll do it anyway. It's recycling!

I think for my Sophomore Speech, I want to do something like "Restaurants should put in their menus where and how their seafood and fish were caught so customers can be more aware about what they are ordering." But that's not really an issue, so it would be hard to find another side to it.

ttyl!

Do not Obfuscate the Paternal Brioche of Antiquity's Excerpt from the Felonious Verisimilitude of The Ethical Electorate of Posthumous Paupers!

Woo vocab.... So I haven't written in a long long time and I'm not going to recap the entire three months that I haven't written about. Basically I should be studying for my vocab test tomorrow, reading the AcDec papers, doing my binary composition, and practicing my clarinet, but I don't really feel like it right now. My mom came home from Boston today. I was going to make her cookies with my cool IRISH BUTTER but my dad made pie so I didn't. Now my IRISH BUTTER is going to go bad! Maybe I should make cookies anyway. But with the pie we have enough dessert.

I feel like I have more homework I should be doing... but I don't. Wow.

Last Friday I went to Rancho's Family dinner thing with KK. It wasn't much fun, but it was nice to see Isabel again. Plus KK won the cake walk. But the fun part was singing with KK. I like singing. I feel like all my blog entries are about singing, when it's actually a very small part of my life. We sang the little bit with Eponine and Cosette in the Finale of Les Miserables. It's my favorite part. I like singing Eponine's part. I transcribed it for my ear training homework.

We're reading A Tale of Two Citiesby Charles Dickens in English. There was a very good monologue that I would like to record.

"O, sir, at another time you shall know my name, and who my mother was, and who my father, and how I never knew their hard, hard history. But I cannot tel you at this time, and I cannot tell you here. All that I may tell you, here and now, is, that I pray to you to touch me and to bless me. Kiss me, kiss me! O my dear, my dear! If you hear in my voice - I don't know that it is so, but I hope it is - if you hear in my voice any resemblance to a voice that once was sweet music in your ears, weep for it, weep for it! If you touch, in touching my hair, anything that recalls a beloved head that lay on your breast when you were young and free, weep for it, weep for it! If, when I hint to you of a Home that if before us, where I will be true to you with all my duty and with all my faithful service, I bring back the remembrance of a Home long desolate while your poor heart pined away, weep for it, weep for it! If, when I tell you, dearest dear, that your agony is over, and that I have come here to take you from it, and that we go to England to be at peace and at rest, I cause you to think of your useful life laid waste, and of our native France so wicked to you, weep for it, weep for it! And if, when I shal tell you of my name, and of my father you is living, and of my mother who is dead, you learn that I have to kneel to my honoured father, and implore his pardon for having never for his sake striven all day and lain awake and wept all night, because the love of my poor mother hid his torture from me, weep for iot, weep for it! Weep for her, then, and for me! Good gentlemen, thank God! I feel his sacred tears upon my face, and his sobs strike against my heart. O, see! Thank God for us, thank God!"

My hands hurt now. I am going to memorize this and say it to Erik one day. Now I am going to go eat some pie.

ttyl!

Dead Week

Dead week was really low key. I'm not stressed about finals at all, even though I don't feel prepared at all. We got our yearbooks yesterday. I feel loved because so many people wrote in mine. But I still have room for next week, so it's all good.

It was really funny in PE because Ben was singing "Goodbye Love" from Rent and I was all, "No! Shh! Shh! That song always makes me cry!" So Ben and I were both trying to shut each other up, but then we started singing "Tango: Maureen" and I kept forgetting which lines were Joanne's. No wonder everyone loves Ben. He's so fun to hang out with.

I wish I could sing.
I wish I could sing well.
I wish I could get singing lessons.

I wonder why I'm so nervous playing my clarient in front of people, but I wasn't embarrassed at all to sing in the middle of PE with everyone being all, "Okay, let's shut up now and just run." Is it because singing is my real passion or because with singing it's just you and more things can go wrong with clarinet? If I had to choose between singing and clarinet, I'd choose clarinet because I've never really tried singing so I don't really know what it's like. I mean, I've sung, but not for anyone or gotten lessons or been instructed in it.

Whatever. musictheory.net is a good site. Go there.

ttyl!

I can't believe a year went by so fast

Quote from Rent "finale A" "December 24th, 10 PM, EST, I can't believe a year went by so fast. Time to see what we have, time to see."

I've had this blog for over a year. It seems like so long. I really grew up this past year. My first entry I'm so obsessed about I'm fat, and now I do the calculations and I wasn't fat last May and I'm not this May. So I spazzed out about nothing. Then I spazzed out about group dynamics and popularity. I have problems with people. But I learned that it's not about who you're working with, as long as you get the work done. It's just that most of the time you can get the work done with people you like and work well like, AKA your friends. Just today all my friends in biology ditched me, so I had to join the musical theatre group for the frog speculation. Not dissection, we didn't cut it up. That's tomorrow. And no one was working. Two people were working on health homework, two people were just talking, and Ben was scaring everyone by putting the frog in their face. I was trying to do the work. Ben helped a lot, because he was the only one focusing, but it wasn't fun.

I keep forgetting Christina hates it when I give her advice. Today I told her the style was to put your belt buckle on the side, not in front, so she called me stupid. I don't understand her. She hates it when I tell her anything, but she gets pissed if I don't explain to her how to do the math homework. Sorry, Christina, you told me you hate it when I tell you how to do things. Maybe you should actually pay attention in math class. It's not like Mr. Duffey is going to sit down and have a one on one tutoring session with you to make sure you learn. Maybe you should look in a math book. I resent it when she says, "Em, no one told me how to do this," and expects me to explain it to her, when I'm busy doing my own work. I don't have KK's gentle touch in reminding people, "I think I was speaking," or, "I'm sorry, I can't help you just now." I don't know what to do. I try to say, "Why are you mad?" and "What can I do?" to fix it, because that usually keeps anyone angry from ranting if you focus them on a question like that. But I don't know. It probably makes them even more angry because I don't know why they're angry at me.

I'm going to stop now. I'm reading Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister by Gregory Maguire. I like the books I've read of his. Even though he scares me sometimes.

ttyl!

Santa Rosa Symphony: Stravinsky and Rachmaninoff

I saw the Santa Rosa Symphony perform today. It was amazing. Especially since I knew so many people in the symphony. Mr. Peabody, Roy, Bonnie, Mr. Michaelsen, Rebecca Roudman, and Allen Biggs. Roy had huge solos and it was really cool to hear him. And Mr. Michaelsen had a solo too. They played Rite of Spring by Stravinsky and Rachmaninoff's Second Symphony. It don't know which one I liked better; they were both fabulous. I wish the English language had stronger adjectives for describing good things. This is why I can't describe it very well. But it was good.

It's probably sold out for tomorrow, so I guess you'll have to wait until next season to hear them perform again. ttyl!

STAR Testing

I'm currently on Mr. Ballou's computer. In geography. We just finished STAR testing and I'm bored. This is really fun. I finished the whole biology section in the first half of the test taking period. Then I finished crotcheting a scarf. It looks really bad. I'm sad because I messed it up. But it's a really pretty purple.

Ok. I have nothing to say. I don't like Mr. Ballou's computer. It doesn't have a mouse. It has one of those little touch pads. It's really annoying.

That's about it. ttyl!

Narcissic Old People and My Battle with Poseidon

I have to name my dreams so I can remember them until I can type them up on my blog, so that's the title of this entry.

I had a dream that my dad and I were driving, and this old couple started ramming their car into ours. Then I got a bunch of emails from them, one of which said that they had planted explosive devices all over our house and were going to blow us up randomly. They would also blow us up if we tried to run away. I cried and asked my mom why anyone would do such a thing, and she replied that some people were narcissic and it was in their nature. So we lived in constant fear for a day. Then I woke up and told my mom I had a bad dream. I went back to sleep and the dream continued. I went to school from 8 to 10. Then I had a lunch break until 2, so I went back home. I was looking for the explosive devices. I found them. They were like straws filled with gun powder. I gathered them up. The old people knew I had found them because they were watching our house. They told us we couldn't let go of the straws and if we did, they would blow us up. They said they wouldn't kill us until after I got back from school. My mom was at work. I suddenly got an idea how to get away. I told my dad to throw all the straws in the fire. They would explode, but we would run out of the house before it could kill us. I pulled my runnning shoes on, grabbed my clarinet, wallet, and iPod, and fled with my dad. I wanted to run to KK's house, but we never made it. We got to this big field with scattered oaks. There was a pregnant woman. She said she was so happy to have her fourth child. I wanted to cry because I knew the old people would be after her next. I think I went to school because the last thing I remember is asking Peabody if I could live in the band room.

I can barely remember my other dream, but it was like I did this dance/fight on a big blue jellylike thing to classical music. A Samurai was chasing me with a bo staff. I had defeated him once before, but it didn't count because I was in my parent's bedroom the first time and no one saw it. So we had to go to this arena with these two judges to watch the fight. Then I would become a Samurai too. I think the blue thing we were standing on was Poseidon. It was like a jellyfish. It was like the diva in 'The Fifth Element". You know, the blue lady with the stones in her? Like that. Weird.

That's about it. STAR testing this week in school. The only question I'm really stumped on is "If sinsquaredX is one third, what is tanX?" Everyone's all, "Sin over Cos is Tan" but I don't know.

Whatever. ttyl!

I think there's one in my raincoat

This song quote is from Simon and Garfunkel's "America".

I had a very odd dream last night. It was pretty long. I was in the car or something. I had an assignment from Madame Baird to make a piece af artwork out of ripped construction paper. I didn't what to make. I finally decided to do the logo of Wicked. You know, Elphie on a broomstick? But then we started driving and I couldn't work while the car was moving. Then I was in this zoo on Mt. Olympus. I think it was on Mt. Olympus because we were all nymphs or something because we could fly. We had to feed the turtles, but they were attacking us. I didn't have my construction papered Elphie, so I was trying to go somewhere to think. We were all roleplaying, by the way. I went in this little room. Somehow I was listening to iTunes. But I was listening to something I'd heard before in a dream. But it wasn't a real soundtrack. That pisses me off when I compose songs in my dreams and can't remember them when I wake up. It sounded like the allargando in Hammersmith in that it was loud and dissonate, but the plot had something to do with Candide. It had about 20 songs that were one and two mintues long. Then the second to last was 6:27 and the last was 9:16. But the last was at the top and I listened to them backwards. I listened for a while and then this girl came in at the second to last song to see if I was okay because I was laying on the floor. I grabbed her ankle to stop her from leaving. I asked her if we could go somewhere quiet to talk because I needed help thining of something to do for the assignment since my project was unfinished and in the car, which was miles away. It might have been Allie, but since I didn't know her character, I had to be all polite because she was older and higher ranked. We tried a lot of doors to find a quiet place to talk, even though I had looked in on all of them on my way from feeding the turtles to listening to music in that little room. One had a plant in the window, but someone was talking on the phone. Then we tried this one door and it was like a hotel lobby. It had a staircase in the back where the rooms were. Ben was like a bellboy or something. He had on a blue jumpsuit. We asked Ben what he was doing. He said he was trapped here because he had stayed too long. He told us to get out before we were trapped by the concierge too. Somehow all three of us managed to get out, but we lost our ability to fly. Then Allie left. Then somehow the building we were in dissolved into school and we were near my locker. Linda was at her locker, which was right below mine. Ben wanted to go say hi to Linda, so we linked arms and walked over. Remember we were roleplaying, and my character had a huge crush on Ben, so I tried to get a dreamy look on my face and clutched his arm a bit too tight. He had really thin arms, but they were all muscle. Then we were talking to Linda and Ben started paying more attention to her than to me, so I was sad. But then Linda turned around and it actually wasn't her. I was really embarrassed because I was being really friendly and I actually didn't know her. Then I was all, "Oh great now Ben's going to think I'm stupid because I can't even tell between my friends and complete strangers. He'll never like my character now." But it didn't matter because I woke up.

Why can't I ever link arms with Anthony Rapp in my dreams? Oh well. Ben's cool. But I don't like him like I do Anthony Rapp. Besides, he's got a girlfriend. He's fun to talk to, but even though we sit next to each other in bio, he's got all his musical theatre friends to talk to. The only time I can talk to him is before PE.

Ever since I read Anthony Rapp's book "Without You", I've been composing emails to him in my mind. I don't know. I feel like I know him since I've read his book, and I love his voice in Rent, and it seems like all his fame hasn't gone to his head, but all I know is how he's portrayed himself in his book. And of course his book is going to biased slightly because he's not going to show himself in a bad light unless he felt that way. Did that even make sense? I don't know. And his fansite is down for maintainence, so even if it had his email address on it, I wouldn't be able to ever email me. And I doubt I would ever have the courage to, since whatever I sent wouldn't be good enough for him to read and them I'd regret it. And I have nothing important to say to him. Anything I did say would probably just scare him.

Not like anything I say is actually important. ttyl

Where's that confounded bridge?

I've decided that if I can't think of what to title an entry, I'm going to make it a random song quote. This one is from Led Zeppelin's "The Crunge". It's a good song. Very good.

I had a bad dream in which I was a ghost (that wasn't the bad part) which was good because I could be intangible, invisible, and change my appearance. Unfortunately, I couldn't control any of these powers. There was this little house, in which lived two Latino people, a boy of about twenty, and his grandmother, who was like, seventy. Amazingly, even with just one year of Spanish, he and I could have a conversation. Unfortunately again, I was wearing a dress, which somehow couldn't be pulled down past my knees, so that was really awkward because I don't like short dresses. So then I left their house. There was a field next door. It was covered in some kind of flammable stuff, so if anyone had anything electrical on, or lit a match or fired a gun, the whole field would catch on fire and blow up. There was a small troop of guerilla soldiers (I think they were African) who were victims of genocide. I was in the field. I tried to warn them that they couldn't fire any guns or light any matches because they would all blow up, but I was invisible and couldn't talk to them. Then they fired a gun and blew up. I was unharmed because I was intangible (and no longer in a dress but jeans), but I was so devastated. I just wanted to tell the government to close off the field so no one else would get hurt. The cottage was unharmed through all of this. Then a bigger army came, the enemy of the dead soldiers. I lit a match because it was dark, but it didn't affect the field because it was a ghost match like me. These soldiers had torches. They lit the field on fire and blew up. I don't know why the flammable stuff on the field didn't burn up, but it was still there. At this point I just wanted to get home (which was to a house we were renting because we were on vacation even though I was a ghost and actually time traveling) and go to sleep. But my troubles weren't over. The UN came to investigate all the deaths. I ran as fast as I could to tell them to stop, but I couldn't run up the slope to get to the road where they were. They fired a shot and blew up too. By this time, I think dawn was breaking. I was really tired, because my dream began at about four in the afternoon. All the carnage I had witnessed hard to block out, and I knew that sleep was the only respite from seeing the images flash in my mind over and over. I slowly trudged back the half mile to the house, I think accompanied by my mom and some other family members, and climbed the staircases (literally because there were no floors in the house except a ground floor and a loft with the bedrooms and bathrooms three stories up and the staircases didn't connect so you had to climb over the railing to get to another one) and was almost at the top when I woke up.

That was a bad dream. But no more dwelling on it. The next day, I decided that if I could travel back in time and do three things, I would firstly have an interview with Albert Einstein, secondly meet Jonathon Larson and tell him what a big impact he has made on so many people, and thirdly go to Illinois the night Anthony Rapp's mom died and comfort Anthony. So as I was about to go to sleep, I was deciding exactly how I would comfort Anthony. I won't go into all the mushy details because I don't think anyone would appreciate that, and as much as Cameron thinks people love it when stranger give them shoulder massages, Anthony would most likely want to kill me for interrupting his period of grief than instantly falling in love with me and my exceptional yet untrained voice. Well, it's nice to dream.

Speaking of dreams, I had a dream about Anthony Rapp that very same night! I was in a botanical garden I had been to before in a dream, but we started at the end of the trail and were walking back. My mom and dad and I. There was another family with a bunch of little annoying kids too. There was a river, and a little cement pathway beside the river. The path had stairs like it was a bridge. I walked on the stepping stones in the river. It was only a few inches deep. Then we got to the car and were driving home. The dream mercifully skipped all the walking. We were driving through a forest over a hill. At the top of the hill was the Civic Center, except it wasn't. It was a theatre. The Rent 10 year Anniversary was in there. It was intermission. Anthony Rapp was outside, taking a break. I yelled at my dad to stop the car so I could meet Anthony Rapp, but he didn't because there was no parking. I told him to pull over at the side of the road, but he said we were too late and we had already passed it. I said I would run back, but he didn't stop. I was so frustrated. I wanted to scream and jump out of the car and talk to Anthony Rapp. The car passed him, and I was like three meters away from him. Close enough to see the expression on his face. His head was tilted slightly, and he was confused as his gaze followed the car. It was as if he was asking himself, "Did they really dislike the show so much that they're leaving at intermission?" And I wanted to cry "No! I love you! I love the show! We didn't see it! I didn't know!" But it was too late and we went down the hill and he was quickly out of sight.

I also had a dream last night. I'll try to make it quick. I was at Hogwarts. KK and Tasha and some other people were there too. Except in order to get to the library, you had to cross a beach on these enchanted boats. The way to cross was to step in a clear plastic bag, get on a tall white washed wooden platform, and if you weren't quick enough getting in the bag, it would start without you. Then the platform was like a boat, and the bag was so you didn't get wet because the waves got you wet, and the tide changed every twenty minutes. So we were in the library, but Malfoy and his gang were stalking us. They had an invisibility cloak. We were in a private room to do our research, and I was the lookout. KK showed me three spells to prtect us from Malfoy: expelliarnus, burmeas, and sectumsempra. It wasn't actaully sectumsempra, but it was a silent charm and one to inflict pain, but not as much as sectumsempra. Then I saw the library door open and no one come in, so I knew Malfoy had come in under and invisibility cloak. I said sectumsempra in my head, but I forgot to wave my wand until it was too late and the spell didn't work. Then I yelled burmeas, and their invisibility cloak flew off. Then they knew they couldn't surprise us, so they gave up. Then time passed and it was time to go, but the tide was high, and I had to go in the boat alnoe, which is worse than with someone and I had never been in a boat by myself, and I got wet because I couldn't get my feet in a bag to keep them dry. Then I woke up.

I want to start recording what song I have stuck in my head when I wake up. It would be interesting, but I don't know if I would remember to. Oh well. ttyl!

The Best of All Possible Worlds

I chose a song from "Candide" as the title to this entry because it's really ironic. I had a bad day today. I actually got better after lunch, so I guess I just had a bad morning. First, I wake up at 4:00 AM and can't fall back to sleep without dreaming about school. So it was like I was at school for an extra two and a half hours before I got up. Then I sit down to eat breakfast and my dad shoves the New York Times in my face. On the front page is a picture of someone pulling a dead man out of the wreakage caused by the suicide bomber in Tel Aviv. I tell my dad, "I really don't want to see a dead person first thing in the morning, while I'm trying to eat," turn the paper over, and push it away. Then Dad gets really pissed and says, "This is my family." I thought he was referring to the article, not me, until lunch when I told the story to KK and it sounded like he was talking about me, but they way in which he said it I think he was talking about the article. It was more of a protesting statement than a sarcastic one. So then I'm really worried that someone I know was killed in the bombing and that's why he said it, so I felt like crying for the rest of the day. Then I was late for my carpool, and I almost cried in biology because I was afraid someone I knew died, and then we had to change seats in geography and I put up a big fuss because I didn't want to sit in the old wooden desks because they're so high and all my papers fall off of them. And Mr. Ballou wouldn't let me switch the desks, even though there were three of the good desks that no one was sitting in. And he asked me why I was in such a bad mood and I told him he would be too if the first thing he saw in the morning was a picture of a dead person, and of course I got no sympathy from my class. And Joyce sits behind me now so I'm not going to be able to concentrate very well with her talking all the time. And she called me emo for being in a bad mood because of the picture. But I sit next to Julianna, so that will be good I suppose.

Spanish was really boring, nothing new there. Then at break I had to put my clarinet in the band room because it wasn't open before school, and as I was walking away from it to go to my locker, I pass Lily. And Lily asks is she can give me a hug because she was thinking about me last night and she thought I was a really nice person. It took everything I had not to cry because I was so touched by this random act of kindness I really wanted to say something nice back but I couldn't think of anything good enough to tell her. And now that I'm alone in my room I can cry for Lily's loving gesture, which came so appropriately because I was having a bad day. I am so thankful for Lily.

Then it was just little things that built up that made me almost cry again at lunch. I didn't understand the math homework, so I was trying to figure it out, but I couldn't and Marisa didn't get it so she couldn't help me and Mr. Duffy was helping some other people, so I got frustrated. Then Christina got mad at me for not correcting her English essay. I was tempted to remind her that she took four days to correct mine last time, so she shouldn't be upset when it takes more than two periods. Then I went outside and ate lunch with KK, but I was feeling lousy and didn't eat much. I asked her for help on my math homework, and she helped me. I still didn't have it all done, so I took it home and redid it. But it was okay.

Then in band Sueli said they cancelled our lessons with Roy, so that was good and bad but mostly good because I wasn't prepared and I wasn't up to a lesson today. Then I threw a bag of Vegan peanut butter oatmeal cookies at Mr. Peabody, but I don't think he appreciated that. I meant to get them on the podium, but I didn't throw them far enough because I didn't want them to hit Peabody, so they fell on the floor and I felt really stupid. But Laura laughed too, so I guess it was okay. Then at the end of sixth period, there was a cookie missing, but Mr. Michaelson might have eaten it. Peabody didn't say anything. I don't know if he remembered I told him on Monday I had made Vegan peanut butter cookies.

Mr. Michaelson called Mr. Peabody Mark and Alli said sarcastically, "Mark? Who's Mark?" and then Mr. Michaelson said in a really childish voice, "Mr. Peabody." and it was really funny.

Seventh period Laura was mad because she wanted to have sectionals, but Peabody wanted the whole woodwind section together. But it was fun because we all mixed up and I sat in the flute section and it was cool to hear parts that I normally didn't hear as well. P.E. I had fitness testing and that was okay because it was easy and my BMI was the lowest of all the Freshmen taking the test. Ms. Peisch and I both got BMIs of 21, but since neither the scale nor the measurement for height was accurate, it doesn't really matter. But it was encouraging.

I hope tomorrow will be better. No crying tomorrow. I cry a lot. I only update my blog in a bad mood, and writing my blog makes me self-pity, so it just makes things worse. That's why I cry when I write my blog. Or maybe it's PMS. ttyl