It's Official

Well, I blew it. I'm officially an idiot. I always sound like such a stalker when I'm around Ben. He probably thinks I'm crazy and obsessed with him. Why can't I turn back the clock and just try to be friends with him? I have to apologize for being an idiot, but I don't want it to look like I'm stalking him. He's probably avoiding me anyway. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend.

I missed out on the whole boy craziness of middle school. I've had one boyfriend in my life; the most we did was hug, it lasted a little over a month, and he has a boyfriend now. Because I wasn't friends with many guys, I don't have the social skills to be able to coherently talk to one now, when we actually have hormones. Why can't I just be normal and act normal around people? I don't know how to get to know people. I wish I were more outgoing and funny. But that's not going to happen, so I'm just going to be the quiet one sitting in a corner until he forgets I exist.

Try not to get worried
Try not to turn on to problems that upset you, oh
Don't you know everything's alright, yes
Everything's fine
And it's cool and the ointment sweet
For the fire in your head and feet

I can't even look him in the face when I'm near him. His gaze is too powerful. I'm in love with a dream; I don't even know him. I'm only friends with him when I'm asleep. I'm going to write a story about a girl who was in a terrible accident and is confined to a hospital bed. When she sleeps, she dreams about a man whom she falls in love with. Every night, they spend the precious hours together, doing whatever they please. Each morning, she becomes frustrated with herself when she wakes that she can no longer be with him until night. She tells a sibling or close friend, who adamantly scolds that he's not real and she's crazy, but she doesn't listen. Then one morning, she and her lover are together and in the back of her mind she hears her sibling or friend trying to wake her, but she pushes this away. She looks at her lover and in her eyes he knows she wants to stay with him forever, so he tells her that she can stay, but she can never go back. With that, she severs all earthly ties and fully enters the dream. At the last moment, she is vaguely aware of her sibling or friend weeping over her dead body, until her dreamscape slowly fades to black. The dream must cease when the dreamer is no more.

Only when I'm with Erik, I won't die because my soul will be with him in Heaven already. I think Ben is just supposed to be my muse. You don't have to be romantically invloved with your muse. They just have to inspire you. Well, I'll be sure to think of him when I have time to do something recreational. I need to go to bed. I don't know Ben, and it's against everything I cherish to be in love with a face, no matter how beautiful he is. Then again, how will I every fully appreciate Erik until I know the other side of the coin? Anyway, it's late. ttyl!