Memory

I had a really quick dream a week ago. I was in geometry class, writing a madlib about Raoul. Raoul was giving a speech in which he clears his throat so I wrote "*Clears throat* ..." And Christina was confused so I wrote above it *coughcoughhackhackcoughcough*. And that was it.

I hope Allie gets into MSA musical theatre. Her audition went really well. After her audition, I had an urge to sing "I'm Not That Smart". I had the choreography and everything in my mind. But it will never happen. It's one thing to sing along with the CD or sing when no one can hear you, but I've never taken singing lessons or anything. I can't sing. I wish I could. I wish I could do a lot of things.

I want to do something, but I don't know what. It's a bit too late to start anything. I have no books to read in Mendocino. I'm going to be really bored. I can listen to music, write some chorales for practice, and crochet, but I want something to read too. I might even do some poetry. Mendocino does that to me.

I made a fool of myself at the soiree. I have to remember not to talk about myself or speak disparagingly about anyone. How can I expect anyone to like me if I talk too much? I guess it's better for eveyone to think I'm just a Freshman than someone who's stuck up and mean.

I betrayed my sister's trust. I told Alissa something I shouldn't have. She probably thinks I'm really mean now.

Why does everyone love Piera so much? One minute they're saying she's so mature for her age, and then they're saying she's so cute. She's everyone's friend, but then why do I feel so distant from her? She's always the center of attention, but do we really know her? But then Heidi, who is always by herself, I know her better than any of my friends do. So I guess the people who stand off to the side are the ones who really get the close friends. But then why in my birthday card did KK say she doesn't understand me? I thought she did. I've confided more in her than anyone beside my mom. It's heartbreaking to suddenly realize that your closest confidante doesn't understand you. Is this how Heidi feels about me? No, because I understand her. I'm so worried about Heidi. Madeleine better take care of her while I'm on vacation. I hope Heidi calls Madeleine too.

Who am I kidding? Heidi probably only calls me when she can't talk to Madeleine. I'm only someone's friend if no one else is availible. Laura only talks to me if Emma and Kelly aren't there. Audrey only talks to me if there aren't any boys around. Christina only talks to me if Netta isn't around. When Netta's around, she acts like I'm Houdini. I feel like Chris. Hamlet's Inner Self. Except that I have no outer self to hide behind. I wish I was schizophrenic. Audio hallucinations. Then I'd always have someone to talk to.

I'm not a good poet. I prefer using other people's words to express myself. Through song. I am so influenced by hearing music. When I'm playing music, then I control it, and influence it. It's like exacting revenge on something that is both harmful and loving at the same time.

I think if there wasn't any music to control my moods, I'd fall into depression and die. A slow and silent death. Unless KK was there for me.

I think if she read this, she'd avoid me because I've my well-being in her hands. But she'll never know.

ttyl