Introspection

When I saw the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, it was a great experience. I want to see it again. Easily my favorite scene is "The I Love You Song", in which Olive's parents comfort her because she is depressed, misses her mom, and her dad is abusive. It's such a beautiful song. The sample on iTunes doesn't do it justice at all. When I saw it performed something really weird happened and I'm sure you won't believe me, but I swear Betsy Wolfe (who played Ms.Peretti and Olive's mom) was looking right at me when she sang

We always knew you were a winner
We saw it when you smiled
Start from the beginning
When you were a beginner
You were the perfect child
We always knew
We always knew
You were a champion
You sadness filled my room
Dear if you should feel my gloom
Blame it on me
Blame it on your Daddalee and Mammalee
‘Cause depression runs in our family

I love you
I love you
I love everything about you dear
And I swear it’s true
I love you

The only other time I was certain an actor was looking at me was at the Marin Shakespeare Company. I can't remember what production it was, but I was playing with my retainer absently and I'm sure I looked really weird because one of the actors stared at me for a second with a "what the heck?" look on his face before continuing his monologue.

And that was embarrassing. No one else knew, but I know that's what happened. So when I thougt Betsy Wolfe was looking at me, I made sure my mouth was shut and my hair wasn't messed up or anything. I didn't know why she was staring. Maybe she just had a faraway look in her eyes and she was actually staring past me or something.

But in the hypothetical situation that she was actually looking at me while she sang, why? Did I look depressed? Did I look like I wasn't enjoying myself? I was tired, and the song is kind of calm, but I liked it. Did she just randomly pick a girl in the audience who looked to be about the same age as Olive and sing to her?

I have so much regret for things I've said. I'm sure I've ruined great relationships because I said the wrong thing. I just didn't think before saying something stupid. I want to feel special like she was singing to me, but I don't want to be let down. Then again, I'll never be able to ask her what she was doing and thinking, so why not pretend I'm special? Why not just live in my own little fantasy world that some random Broadway star dedicated a song to me?

I'll never know. For the rest of my life I'll be wondering about it. Until I decide that I don't care anymore, then maybe I'll forget it.

I finally figured myself out. I want to understand me. That's basically all I want to do in my life is to understand why I did what I did and what it means about me. So I want to find myself. That's why I'm a hypochondriac and keep thinking I have schizoid personality disorder. If I did, then it would explain everything. And then the doctors could have me figured out, and I'd finally understand. Then I could be all, "Oh, that's why I have an excessive preoccupation with fantasy and introspection; I'm schizoid."

That's really creepy. I've just been talking about fantasies and my introspection and then it's suddenly a symptom of schizoid personality disorder. Then again, it's probably a symptom of autism too. But I don't have that.

The coolest name for a disease is Marfan Syndrome. It's a genetic disorder. We had to do research on genetic disorders in seventh grade. I wanted Marfan Syndrome. I knew everythign about it already. But I forgot it all. I had to do Huntington's Disease instead, which wasn't cool because it's hard to diagnos because the symptoms vary so much.

I need to finish my research paper for English. I also need to bake cookies. But none of the recipes look good. I've tried all the good ones. I want to do something new. Maybe I'll look up a recipe on foodtv.com. ttyl!