ice cream

I can't stand my father. About three weeks ago I went out and bought some ice cream because I wanted ice cream. I sat down with a bowl of it and then Madeleine called so I ate only like two spoonfuls of it and then put it in the freezer for another time. Let me explain to you how ice cream works. I bought a pint of ice cream. That's four servings. There was one in the bowl and three in the container. Two days later we leave on vacation. Two weeks later I come home and eat the ice cream that was in the bowl. One serving. The ice cream had melted and then refrozen and was gross and not enjoyable in the least. One week later I open the ice cream container to have another bowlful. I look in and I see that there's two spoonfuls left. My father ate almost three servings of ice cream in two days. This really pisses me off for a number of reasons. One: I bought that ice cream with my own money. Sure, I'm willing to share, but I expect to eat more than a quarter of it! Two: that my dad consumed so much of it in such a short amount of time. He's so glutenous and such a pig that he had more than one serving of ice cream in one day. Hmm, I wonder why he's fucking obese? He says, "I'm happy to share the ice cream" since when does share mean "pig out on something you didn't buy and leave two spoonfuls left"? And yesterday, I gave him a piece of cake that mom had made. And then he wanted another piece after he'd finished the first! He's such a pig! And then today after lunch I tell him I don't know what to have for dessert because there was the cake and ice cream sandwiches and ice cream (or so I thought). And you know what he said? He fucking said "Have a peach." Oh yeah, I'm sure YOU"D be satisfied with a fucking peach for dessert, Mr. I Want Two Slices Of Cake!

He fucking ate all my ice cream and all I had was barely one serving and it was gross anyway because it had melted and then refrozen and didn't have the same consistency of ice cream anymore. I'd hardly call that sharing. And he didn't even feel guilty about it. He opens the freezer, takes out the ice cream, sees that there's 3/4 left of it, and then eats it all, saving two spoonfuls. How do you not feel guilty about eating that much ice cream? And he knew I bought it with my money and - I hope - he knew that that meant I would fucking want some of it!

I feel like Ryan in Complete Works when he's playing Hamlet and he shouts "And I'm a vegetarian! And you know that!"
i hate him so much i don't know how i'm going to survive the next two years of my life I hate him I hate him I hate him fuck!
i'm not fucking going to knit him a fucking scarf no way i'm never going to spend that much time on him ever i hate him and will never do something that nice for him ever he's the ugliest, fattest, more disgusting person i know and I want to just rip our the scarf I started and throw it in his face and then run away and never ever come back but i know i can't because i don't have a job and mom threw out three eggplants that had been sitting in the fridge for weeks and he never used them I can't believe he'd just waste food and money like that he bought three fucking eggplants and never used them I bet I could plan meals more efficiently than that he's so wasteful and it's mom's money it's mom's money he's wasting because he's retired and only taps in to his ira to pay large bills he's sapping mom's money we're much better off without him we always get along so much better when he's not around how can I possibly love the one source of conflict in my life i hate him i hate him i hate him I'm really sorry, Brahma but I can't ever achieve nirvana or whatever because i can't forgive him and I can't become a nun or whatever because i can't forgive him i refuse to and i refuse to ever try to empathize with him because he's just way too messed up and I wish i were autistic so i wouldn't have to worry about any of this i could just have a few interests and live quietly and contentedly and let my parents take care of everything and be blissfully unaware when they were arguing or anything and just ignore everyone and live quietly and study music theory all day and that would be it and it would be so wonderful i'm not ready for all this responsibility and i don't want to worry about adult problems and i just want to be a little kid again and not have fucking summer homework or so many extracurriculars that i can't know my schedule or i'll stress out because of how busy i am and i really want to blow my nose but i don't want my father to know i've been crying over fucking ive cream because i don't want to give him that satisfaction and he's like the devil kin my life because he represents everything that i am against and I feel that i hold myself to a much higher standard than he in almost everything i do and i have to like resist temptation or something but its not even temptation to do what he wants because that's easy its like temptation to not get really angry at him every time he says something or does something dumb but this instance is one of the few times i've allowed myself to get outwardly angry normally i just hold it in and not say anything but i really went for it and pissed him off on purpose and i feel totally justified and i'm not guilty at whatever he feels i just wish i had some plumbing in my room so i could stay walled up in here forever and never leave my room and risk seeing him that's why i couldn't do any of my chores today because when i had the time to he was in the kitchen and i couldn't stand the possibility of him trying to talk to me or anything so i stayed in my room all day and didn't do any chores and now i feel bad because i should do my chores so mom doesn't get mad at me and i need the money because i don't have a job anymore and i really need to do my summer homework i can't believe natasha did all of hers already but then again she wasn't as busy as me and she said she had a lot of free time so i guess she didn't get out much but really that's like bragging and the only reason why she brought up homework was to brag that she'd finished which i admit is quite an accomplishment but please try to be modest about it

and i bet mom is mad at me too because she hasn't knocked on my door to talk to me yet

this is all my fault because i already had cake today and i wanted ice cream too which is very glutenous of me and quite hypocritical and i'm really sorry and regret it because if i had waited until my father had actually eaten all the ice cream, i could feel much more justified about being publicly upset with him and really tell him off for his definition for sharing and two spoonfuls is hardly enough for mom and i to share, but of course if we distributed the portions by weight then i'm sure his getting two and a half servings would be quite fair.

i really wish i could just boycott absolutely everything that he's done for me but i don't have the money to buy my own groceries and he bought my car and my bike so i am fucked if I can't depend on him just a little bit which really sucks because i like have to be grateful to him even though i hate him so much

fuck everything
ttyl

July 12, 2007

Matthew died on July 12, 2007 in the afternoon. He was 19 years old. I wasn't legally supposed to know about him. He didn't know me. He had been hospitalized for mutliple stab wounds in vital organs from a run-in with some gang members in Oakland. He had many infections, and the flesh on his lower back rotted from his laying in a bed for weeks. He was in the hospital for about two months before he died. He had a brother named Garret. His family visited him normally and were thankful for the nurses' care.

If I could say one thing to him, I would recite a prayer from Les Miserables: "Take my hand and lead me to salvation/Take my love, for love is everlasting/And remember the truth that once was spoken/To love another person is to see the face of God."

It's an odd thing to love someone you've never met, but I guess I'm particularly good at it, what with Erik and all. ttyl!

Summer Homework Update

Ok it's time for a summer homework update.

I've finished all my bio homework. Yay!!!! I also read Strunk & White. That means I have the following left to do.

Two internships

Two classes

One essay

Identify 60 terms

530 pages

I've also got homework in my ROP class and Nutrition class. For ROP, I have to keep a journal about my internship and write a page entry every week. For nutrition, I have to read roughly 690 pages and various projects involving keeping track of energy expenditure and intake. I've already read 326 pages of my nutrition book, so in all I have 856 pages left to read.

I got my driver's license on July 6. yay for me.

I have 44 days left. I don't know how this is going to work out. We leave for vacation on the 26. I'd like to have the APUSH homework done by then. My nutrition class will be over by then as well. I hope I'm on schedule.

ttyl!

Do you need a defibrillator in your office?

I can buy a $10 stethoscope at Staples. There is something very wrong with the world.

I can't concentrate

I don't want to go to the beach with my dad tomorrow. I want to hang out with my friends, but everyone has plans already. I miss everyone at school who graduated and I'll never see again. Junior year is going to be hell.

ttyl

You're the Top

I did the math. If you eat every food mentioned in "You're the Top", you will have consumed 783 grams of food, 784 Calories, and 35 grams of fat. We're talking about Napoleon Brandy (80 proof), a turkey dinner, camembert, a hot tamale, ovaltine (with nonfat milk), a Waldorf salad, and broccoli. oooh yeahh!

ttyl!

Summer

I am not looking foward to summer. I think I'm going to be too busy. School's been out for eight hours and I'm already stressed out.

Let's do the math:

I'm going to be doing two internships: one at YLI and one at an architecture firm in Larkspur.

I'm going to be taking two classes: BIO 100 at College of Marin and an advanced career management ROP class at MCOE.

I'm going to write six essays: Five for AP Bio and one for AP English 11.

I'm going to answer/define 91 questions/terms: 31 for AP Bio and 60 for AP US History.

I'm going to read 763 pages: 148 for AP Bio, 443 for AP English 11, and 172 for AP US History.

I've got 69 days in which to do it all.

Believe it or not, I wanted to hang out with my friends this summer. I wanted to go to as many plays as I could, and I wanted to usher at the Marin Shakespeare company. I wanted to get my driver's license. I wanted to go running in the mornings. I wanted to keep a dream journal. I wanted to learn a new song on my clarinet. I wanted to make some money.

I borrowed Les Miserables from KK like a year ago. I still haven't finished it. Now I never will. I won't have time. Ever.
ttyl

Shuffle

I went to the cast party yesterday and I had a lot of fun. Near the end Indie, Ben, Brittany, and Tim were lying on the hammock and I went over and sat down next to them. Then Brittany got up and Ben invited me to take her place between him and Tim. So I did. Then Ben said he figured we'd be lying here a while, so he might as well take his shirt off and get a tan. It was slightly wet, so it stuck to his skin and he had a hard time getting it off. And he definitely did need a tan. So Ben and Tim are good friends so they talked mostly. I learned a lot of stuff about Ben. He has a girlfriend in Oakland. I'm actually really happy about that because now I can be friends with him and really convince myself that that's all there is. Then because Tim is Tim, they talked about video games and stuff. Ben had one arm around Indie and one around me and then there was Tim who didn't quite get it and was the only one fully dressed. Tim always has to bring up how he and Ben are like good and evil twins and I said I would melt of happiness if they morphed together into one super man. Then Jon came over and asked if he was the geekiest becasue he worked at a video game store, and Indie said that was geekiness squared. I said it was geekiness times Avogadro's number. Then Tim and Ben talked about how Avogadro's number is 6.02 times ten to the positive 23rd, because of a mistake that happened during Jeopardy. So we had this light conversation going on and it was really nice and I wanted it to never end, but then people started getting up. I took the chance to ask Ben about the song in the car and this is how it went.

Me: Ben, can I ask you an awkward question?
Ben: Um, sure.
Me: Remember after an Anything Goes rehearsal, you gave me a ride home and we listened to Jersey Boys?
Ben: Yeah?
Me: Why did we listen to that song?
Ben: Which one?
Me: I don't know, it was like a love song and it was really awkward.
Ben: Oh, it was on shuffle.
Me: okay.

So. I was melancholy for the rest of the day, but it might have been just because I was tired. But this shows that Ben considers me a friend and I'm content with that. I don't know him very well anyway. I want to hang out with Tim and Ben and Cameron and Emma and Keleki and Zac and that crowd more often. They are really funny and know all the words to every musical ever.

After all, everyone knows Cacambo is the coolest character in Candide. ttyl!

It's Official

Well, I blew it. I'm officially an idiot. I always sound like such a stalker when I'm around Ben. He probably thinks I'm crazy and obsessed with him. Why can't I turn back the clock and just try to be friends with him? I have to apologize for being an idiot, but I don't want it to look like I'm stalking him. He's probably avoiding me anyway. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend.

I missed out on the whole boy craziness of middle school. I've had one boyfriend in my life; the most we did was hug, it lasted a little over a month, and he has a boyfriend now. Because I wasn't friends with many guys, I don't have the social skills to be able to coherently talk to one now, when we actually have hormones. Why can't I just be normal and act normal around people? I don't know how to get to know people. I wish I were more outgoing and funny. But that's not going to happen, so I'm just going to be the quiet one sitting in a corner until he forgets I exist.

Try not to get worried
Try not to turn on to problems that upset you, oh
Don't you know everything's alright, yes
Everything's fine
And it's cool and the ointment sweet
For the fire in your head and feet

I can't even look him in the face when I'm near him. His gaze is too powerful. I'm in love with a dream; I don't even know him. I'm only friends with him when I'm asleep. I'm going to write a story about a girl who was in a terrible accident and is confined to a hospital bed. When she sleeps, she dreams about a man whom she falls in love with. Every night, they spend the precious hours together, doing whatever they please. Each morning, she becomes frustrated with herself when she wakes that she can no longer be with him until night. She tells a sibling or close friend, who adamantly scolds that he's not real and she's crazy, but she doesn't listen. Then one morning, she and her lover are together and in the back of her mind she hears her sibling or friend trying to wake her, but she pushes this away. She looks at her lover and in her eyes he knows she wants to stay with him forever, so he tells her that she can stay, but she can never go back. With that, she severs all earthly ties and fully enters the dream. At the last moment, she is vaguely aware of her sibling or friend weeping over her dead body, until her dreamscape slowly fades to black. The dream must cease when the dreamer is no more.

Only when I'm with Erik, I won't die because my soul will be with him in Heaven already. I think Ben is just supposed to be my muse. You don't have to be romantically invloved with your muse. They just have to inspire you. Well, I'll be sure to think of him when I have time to do something recreational. I need to go to bed. I don't know Ben, and it's against everything I cherish to be in love with a face, no matter how beautiful he is. Then again, how will I every fully appreciate Erik until I know the other side of the coin? Anyway, it's late. ttyl!

Can't Take My Eyes Off You

Ben gave me a ride home from Anything Goes rehearsal and we listened to this song from Jersey Boys. With Ben it is always extremes. Ergo, it was really really awkward. I wished I knew the song so I could sing it to him. He said, "Listen to this, this is a good song." does that mean "I like this song, it's cute" or "Imagine me singing this to you"? The more I listen to the song, the more I wish the answer is number two. I had the best dream last night and it involved Ben.

I'm hungry and don't have much time. ttyl!

Rehearsal for Anything Goes

I had a crazy dream last night. What else is new. I was getting set up for an Anything Goes rehearsal and I was trying to find Ben because I love Ben, but Mr. Sinaiko kept getting in my way and I was being really autistic and he was too close and it was scary. He kept taunting me about a dream I had that he was in, but it wasn't a dream that I actually had. It had something to do with blackberries. I don't think I ever found Ben because something else happened and then everyone left because rehearsal had ended.

I want to take some classes at College of Marin over the summer. I want to take beginning architectural design, intro to psychology, and intro to theatre. I also want to take 2-D computer graphics for architecure, but it has an advised prerequisite of beginning architectural drafting, which doesn't look as interesting as beginning design. I'll probably only take one at most because they're all at the Kentfield campus.

I'm almost finished with my vocab project. I have to put a title on it and then I think that's it. Most of my words are from comics, crosswords, and other word puzzles. I have a lot of extra words. I think I'll give some of them to Netta and save the rest for some lucky Freshman.

Keleki lost her voice last night. She had to suffer through two songs and then Corey sang all of Friendship and then Paige sang for her the rest of the night. The band practically died when Connor pushed the old lady over. It's not that it was especially funny, but he'd never done it before. My favorite line is Corey's "Calling all pants, calling all pants, calling all pants!" I'm going to bring in a bird caller thing for Corey's song. I'll make Josh play it. It'll be funny.

Gypsy in Me is my favorite song from Anything Goes. I'm glad that I get to play in it, but I'm sad that I don't get to see Zac and Keleki dance during it.

I have to do my Spanish homework. ttyl!

Woyzeck saves the day and my cat

I had a really weird dream last night. I was in a grocery store and it was on Grant Avenue. They were selling kittens and puppies at the store. I looked at them and they were cute. Then I went to the refridgerated dairy products section, and they had smaller, runt kittens for sale in yogurt cups. There was one I really liked. She was a light orangish brown with a spot of yellow right above her nose. I can't remember her name. I believe it started with a C. So I bought her and took her outside because she needed to poop. I set her down, and she ran away! Into the street! I chased after her, and luckily neither of us was hit by a car. I chased her all around the square. People were trying to help, and one of them managed to get a leash on her. It was red. This is where it gets complicated. I'm standing outside the grocery store, there is Grant Ave. running across in front of me, and there is a street that runs perpendicular to that, which ends when it hits Grant. I am facing that street that ends. There is a young woman with long golden hair on the sidewalk stage left to the street I am facing. She is walking toward me with a chocolate lab on a red leash. Somehow, Chad Deverman as Woyzeck manages to grab the leash of my cat, but he's on rollerblades or something and can't stop, so he runs into the girl with the dog and everyone falls down. Chad is still holding on to my cat when I get there. He is lying flat on his back. I take the leash from him and kneel down and kiss him on the forehead. Then he's kind of confused, so my mind rewinds time to right before I kiss him. Instead of kissing him on the forehead, I remove his sunglasses and kiss him full on the lips. I surprised myself awake, and end of part I. Part II I can't remember as well, but Chad and Ryan were there and they were pixies or something weird. Ryan was acting as the Doctor and he kept yelling at Chad that he couldn't do certain things, but Woyzeck, in his craziness and also because he was trying to help other people out, kept proving him wrong. It was like we were in this house that was just a big indoor pool. Chad told Woyzeck that he couldn't go in the water because something bad would happen, I can't remember, it had something to do with the elements. He also told him he couldn't leave the house, becasue the air outside was full of fire, but since Chad was just out rescuing my cat, that wasn't true either. There was a fly flying around and it was, according to Ryan, a particularly malignant type of fly and that you couldn't touch, but Chad swatted it away and nothing bad happened. It was just really annoying. The house had all cream colored walls. I think at one point I was outside in my backyard. There wasn't much of a plot, other than Chad proving Ryan wrong about everything.

My dad is back from vacationing. It is annoying. He is annoying. I feel like I hold myself to higher standards than he does, and he disgusts me. It's like he's trying to make me fat and a couch potato. He was making lunch, and told me I could have one of the brownies he made previously. I'm like, "Um, not until AFTER lunch, thanks." and he keeps telling me about all these shows and crap on TV, and I'm like, "I haven't watched TV in almost two months. No thanks." And he always thinks I'm in a bad mood. News flash, father! Your second daughter is a quiet person, not a goth. Sorry I'm not the loud inyourface princess my older sister is.

Creo que reggaeton es muy interesante. Me gusta mucho. Tambien me gusta escribir en espanol. Puedo entender algas palabras en este cancion. Estoy contenta sobre eso.

That's it. ttyl!

Bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki

I am disgusted with my classmates. At least twenty of the kids in my history class supported the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. How can anyone condemn someone to death, let alone 200,000 innocent people you don't even know? What if one of them had grown up to find a cure for cancer? Now you're condemning millions more people to death. And the bombing fucking didn't even end the war. The Japanese military generals weren't going to surrender. They didn't care about civilian lives. The only reason Japan surrendered is that Emperor Hirohito was afraid for his own life, and he persuaded the military generals to surrender. Not because of the fucking bombings. Those 200,000 people fucking died for no reason. Those 200,000 innocent civilian people who had hopes and dreams in their heads who suffered and learned and cried and laughed either were suddenly wiped off the face of the earth, or forced to die a slow and painful death from radiation in a destructed city with no resources. Sure, Japan was horrible and barbaric in war strategies and especially with the treatment of POWs, but does that excuse the Allies killing over 200,000 innocent civilians? I thought my classmates were more mature than "An eye for an eye." Besides, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. If someone hits you and you hit them back and knock a tooth out, are you justified? Should you have hit them less hard? Should you have blocked their attacks and tried to work it out? I say, if it's too late to talk things out, then yes please defend yourself, but only defend yourself, and knocking someone's tooth out is not defending yourself. Even Madeleine and Christina. How can I befriend and respect two people who wish death upon someone else? It makes me sick.

I kept whispering to myself,

Let suffering be all my thoughts
Let suffering be my only duty
God, as your body was red and wounded
Let my heart be as such forever and ever

This whole situation reminds me of a great quote from the Pillowman. Katurian says, "I murdered two people who tortured a child for seven years. You murdered three children who hadn't tortured anybody for any years. There's a difference."

I ask you, is there a difference? Are any of these murders justified in any way?

I can think of so many arguments for why the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were complete folly and I bet I can shoot down any argument for the other side. Sure, I can think of a lot of "benefits" that came about from the bombings. Our economy boosted, but it would have anyway if we had won the war without bombing Japan. Other countries learned not to mess with the US because we dared to use an a-bomb. I can shoot this down with the following hypothetical situation. Mercutio and Tybalt are fighting. Tybalt stabs Mercutio to show the Montegues that the Capulets are better. Surely this would make everyone fear the overzealous and over-violent Tybalt. But why trade lives for fear? And besides, what happens next? Romeo comes along and kills Tybalt. Who is Romeo? Iran? DPRK? Iraq? Afganistan? It was almost Russia. Who's going to come along and play the same dirty trick the US played on Japan back on the US? Only this time it will be worse because Romeo already knows the power of Tybalt, so he will have to fight even harder and dirtier. The US bombing Japan instilled not only fear, but hatred and contempt in developing countries. The US could have earned respect and awe, and then Romeo would have learned to accept Tybalt and not kill him. See how it works? You can't argue with Shakespeare.

All this aside, it is still a war crime to kill innocent civilians for what the military is doing. No matter what anyone says, it is a crime against humanity. Supporting the death of 200,000 innocent civilians is also a crime against humanity.

This really happened. A man had an affair with a woman out of wedlock. He was caught and convicted. Do you know how they punished him? His sister was raped. Fucked, really. Fornication with consent of the king. In this case, it was more like with consent of the military dictator, but really. Can you support this innocent girl being raped? After all, her brother fucked someone else illegally. It's the brother's fault, he should be punished, not her. How can you support the death of 200,000 innocent civilians who loved and laughed and struggled when it was really the military's fault? How can you support the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki but not this incident when they are so clearly in principle the same idea? How hypocritical can you be?

There is a terrorist somewhere out there whose greatest wish is the death of all Americans because of what Bush has done in Iraq. If he gets together a big enough group and kills every American, is he justified? He will kill you because of what a US soldier did to his brother. Tortured and dehumanized him. He blames it on you. He will track you down and kill you because you are American and one day surely you will go to Iraq and torture him unless he kills you first. Is he justified? How is this incident any different than the Allies bombing Japan? Sure, you know, now everyone's learned not to mess with him, and his economy is doing great, but just you wait, Romeo will come along one day and destroy everything that terrorist has built. Of course, the original terrorist is long since dead, but Romeo will take it out on his descendants, and it will become a never-ending cycle of death and revenge. And it will never be justified.

ttyl

Brookie Brigade

I logged into Jenny's facebook account and looked at Ben's photo archive. It was funny. Today at lunch he was filming a spanish music video and I was an extra. He was a spanish pop singer. I was a fan in the audience. It was fun.

Yes. I have reached the lowest of the low in my life. I'm jealous of a little nine year old girl. Yes. I admit it. I can't believe it, but it's true. Didn't think it was possible, but it's happened. Mr. Sinaiko loves his daughter. They sat next to me at the Visit. I'm jealous of Maya. She has a normal, trusting, loving relationship with her father. And it's Sinny. I wanted to sit next to him because it was fun listening to what he thought about the super soiree and I thought it would be the same, but he was only paying attention to his daughter, and I completely understand that. It's possible to understand something and still be hurt by it. Is it wrong that I value and respect his opinions and wanted to share his thoughts on the play? I get that he was there as a parent with a child, not as a teacher, and he has to juggle multiple people vying for his attention constantly at school and he was just trying to be with his daughter.

If I become famous, my biography will be very interesting. ttyl!

Beneath this tree...

Listening to Little bird, little bird from Man of La Mancha. Great musical.

I tried talking to Sinny about the connections between Man of La Mancha and Woyzeck. Quixote goes on this impossible dream saying that he will make the world a better place by doing all thiese crazy things. Woyzeck gets pushed into doing a lot of these things by the doctor and the captain, but he is on the opposite spectrum than Quixote.

To dream ... the impossible dream ...
To fight ... the unbeatable foe ...
To bear ... with unbearable sorrow ...
To run ... where the brave dare not go ...
To right ... the unrightable wrong ...
To love ... pure and chaste from afar ...
To try ... when your arms are too weary ...
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

This is my quest, to follow that star ...
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause ...
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ...

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest ...
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach ... the unreachable star

That's the Impossible Dream from Man of La Mancha. So Woyzeck also does a lot of these things. He fights the unbeatable foe: poverty. But he loses. His mother accepted that all she would ever do is suffer, but Woyzeck can't. He has to bear all the dehumanizeing experiments the doctor puts him through, and the things the captain does to him while he's shaving him. The doctor and the captain put him through all these dreadful experiments and phychological beatings just to see where he'll wind up. That's going where the brave dare not go. Tests on people are this. Assuming falsely that the doctor and captain are brave, they are putting Woyzeck all these things that they dare not do themselves, but want to know the outcome. Woyzeck is trying to right himself by living normally, but he is too oppressed and his life is controlled by other people. He doesn't love pure and chaste from afar obviously. The all-pea diet is slightly responsible for some of his madness.

It's hard to tell is Woyzeck is the normal one and everyone else is crazy, or if he's crazy and everyone else is normal. It's expressionist, so everyone else is portrayed only as it appears to Woyzeck, so if he thinks they are crazy, they will act crazy.

I'm trying to get hold of Stina so she can tell Sam to say "She had the most beautiful Aberratio" or something in his welcome speech during The Visit. Mr. Sinaiko will be there, and it's from Woyzeck, so he'll get a kick out of it. The doctor diagnoses Woyzeck with an aberratio mentalis partialis. But if he said something like, "My doctor said I have an aberratio" that would probably be enough. And the audience might still think it's funny. Maybe if he just said "Aberratio mentalis partialis" because the audience would think it's funny that he's spouting false medical terms, and Sinny would get it. I can't figure what an aberratio is. It's either Latin or German. Aberratio mentalis partialis is made up by Buchner, but Aberratio ictus is like a German literary term. It's frustrating.

I have to do my homework. ttyl!

Siempre me caigo

Title is from a song and it means 'I always fall down"

Ben cut his hair. He had to for "Anything Goes", and Zac will have to as well as soon as Beth finishes filming her movie. but I loved his hair. I even wrote a poem about it. The formatting probably won't show up, but here it is. It makes a lot of allusions to songs and plays, so it's a bit weird. I wonder what Ms. Sommer will think when I turn it in.

When Ben Cut his Hair

A Reactionary Poem

Stream of Consciousness

This title has three commas in it

It is just way ahead of its time

Highway 5

Wide expanse of blooming trees abound

We move so quickly,

And yet

We never get anywhere

The sweet smell of shampoo

Radiating from it,

His gray sweatshirt, is my pillow

I don’t like like him

I never did

Never think I did

So vanquish all doubt of that

My heart is ossified

For ever and ever

Oh, my iPod

The soul of the teenager, my life

You are dead.

There will be no reprieve

There will be no music to comfort

AllusionElisionConfusionCollusion

The music will not comfort

It shall haunt me forever

My heart, forevermore hold still

For ever and ever

What I loved has turned against me

He said himself they are of the same mold

Yin and yang

They are complete

Opposite

Take your mind off it

Think of something someone else

His better half?

Perhaps

I have a memory

It cleanses my misgivings

A reverie

I see his smiling face i

Float like seraphim

The sun whose rays are all ablaze

With everlasting glory

Does not deny his majesty…

But see his face before me

– Stop it

That’s PoeticPatheticPeripatetic

Quiet

I dust my shoulder of you!

You icy dame

That hammering there between the eyes

No, Woyzeck, no! Slow down!

hush___________________

Box little box

Containing four white points four small corners

I love him, but only on my own

Little bird, little bird please fly

Please go

Little bird, little bird and

Tell him so

Little bird, little box

Little box

Small box happy box calm box

Small box happy box calm box

Square bi Chinese symbol for earth

No box wrong box bad box

Small box happy box calm box

Four numbers in a box Cramer’s rule

Dizi

No box no flute no globs

Small box happy box calm box

Small box happy box calm box….

Where am I?

Yes. Here.

You are here still

I still believe

I know as long as I can keep believing,

I live

I live, love cannot die

For ever and ever

Though beards are shaved and hair

It is cut

You are still

I am left with your memory

It’s something-esque

So that's my poem.

I saw Mr. Sinaiko in Woyzeck a few days ago. I told him if he played a bad guy it would give me nightmares, but I haven't had any yet, thank goodness. It is kind of scarring to see someone you really respect play such an IMMORAL character. Immoral's probably not the correct word, but those of you who have seen the play would know that the Captain sees himself as a very virtuous person, but he really isn't.

Some people make great Fiyeros. Belgium would have. And now Francis Serpa would have. He was George Gibbs in Our Town by RVP.

I understood "The Impossible Dream" from Man of la Mancha. It's a really good song, but my version has a lot of skips in it.

That's it. ttyl!

I Still Believe

Title is the song I've been listening to over and over again from "Miss Saigon" it's really potent.

This would be an interesting experiment: have people listen to the finale of the Firebird, "Oh Happy We" from Candide, and Micaela's Aria from Carmen and see which one is more moving to them, the one with no words, the one in English, or the one they can't understand but has words. Personally the firebird is the most moving; I get chills down my spine when it is played at full volume. Creepy. But I love the horn part in Micaela's aria. "Oh, Happy We" makes me happy, but the two lovers aren't listening to each other so it has some tension that never really develops into anything because they are torn apart.

that's it. ttyl!

I don't want to be LIKE Jesus, I Fucking am Jesus

The title is the best line of Martin McDonagh's The Pillowman and it's a really disturbing play. Anyway, I won't be talking about it right now because it's time to talk about Tim.

Tim is weird. He's really smart and always makes allusions to history, movies, and things like that to be funny and to insult people. He likes classic literature, manga, classical music, video games, and biochemistry. He has big hair. Not good big hair, like Robert Plant big hair, only not as shiny, blonde, or long. Or well kept, for that matter. Anyway, he sounds pretty cool, right? Right. We're friends. My sister nags me that I should go out with him. But it will never happen. Now I will tell you why. Remember that he teases and insults people? Well, he doesn't seem to know the difference between the two. I can understand light teasing and joking around with people, but you're not supposed to downright insult your friends unless you're having a heart to heart. And Tim doesn't seem to know the difference between teasing someone, or even insulting someone facetiously, and putting them down.Yes, it's good to be honest, but not so brutally frank. If you're going to tear the very fiber of a person's being asunder, be polite about it. So my liking Tim will never happen. You know how you think about a person differently than how you feel about someone when you're with them? Yeah. A few days ago, I got totally excited just thinking about how Tim wrote these notecards that I was reading. But not so much when we're sitting together writiting more flashcards. I'm sorry, but I need a friend who is supportive of me if I put myself out there, not insult me. I am trying my best to disillusion myself with Tim and realize the immature person he is who can't hold his tongue for the life of him. ttyl