The Best of All Possible Worlds

I chose a song from "Candide" as the title to this entry because it's really ironic. I had a bad day today. I actually got better after lunch, so I guess I just had a bad morning. First, I wake up at 4:00 AM and can't fall back to sleep without dreaming about school. So it was like I was at school for an extra two and a half hours before I got up. Then I sit down to eat breakfast and my dad shoves the New York Times in my face. On the front page is a picture of someone pulling a dead man out of the wreakage caused by the suicide bomber in Tel Aviv. I tell my dad, "I really don't want to see a dead person first thing in the morning, while I'm trying to eat," turn the paper over, and push it away. Then Dad gets really pissed and says, "This is my family." I thought he was referring to the article, not me, until lunch when I told the story to KK and it sounded like he was talking about me, but they way in which he said it I think he was talking about the article. It was more of a protesting statement than a sarcastic one. So then I'm really worried that someone I know was killed in the bombing and that's why he said it, so I felt like crying for the rest of the day. Then I was late for my carpool, and I almost cried in biology because I was afraid someone I knew died, and then we had to change seats in geography and I put up a big fuss because I didn't want to sit in the old wooden desks because they're so high and all my papers fall off of them. And Mr. Ballou wouldn't let me switch the desks, even though there were three of the good desks that no one was sitting in. And he asked me why I was in such a bad mood and I told him he would be too if the first thing he saw in the morning was a picture of a dead person, and of course I got no sympathy from my class. And Joyce sits behind me now so I'm not going to be able to concentrate very well with her talking all the time. And she called me emo for being in a bad mood because of the picture. But I sit next to Julianna, so that will be good I suppose.

Spanish was really boring, nothing new there. Then at break I had to put my clarinet in the band room because it wasn't open before school, and as I was walking away from it to go to my locker, I pass Lily. And Lily asks is she can give me a hug because she was thinking about me last night and she thought I was a really nice person. It took everything I had not to cry because I was so touched by this random act of kindness I really wanted to say something nice back but I couldn't think of anything good enough to tell her. And now that I'm alone in my room I can cry for Lily's loving gesture, which came so appropriately because I was having a bad day. I am so thankful for Lily.

Then it was just little things that built up that made me almost cry again at lunch. I didn't understand the math homework, so I was trying to figure it out, but I couldn't and Marisa didn't get it so she couldn't help me and Mr. Duffy was helping some other people, so I got frustrated. Then Christina got mad at me for not correcting her English essay. I was tempted to remind her that she took four days to correct mine last time, so she shouldn't be upset when it takes more than two periods. Then I went outside and ate lunch with KK, but I was feeling lousy and didn't eat much. I asked her for help on my math homework, and she helped me. I still didn't have it all done, so I took it home and redid it. But it was okay.

Then in band Sueli said they cancelled our lessons with Roy, so that was good and bad but mostly good because I wasn't prepared and I wasn't up to a lesson today. Then I threw a bag of Vegan peanut butter oatmeal cookies at Mr. Peabody, but I don't think he appreciated that. I meant to get them on the podium, but I didn't throw them far enough because I didn't want them to hit Peabody, so they fell on the floor and I felt really stupid. But Laura laughed too, so I guess it was okay. Then at the end of sixth period, there was a cookie missing, but Mr. Michaelson might have eaten it. Peabody didn't say anything. I don't know if he remembered I told him on Monday I had made Vegan peanut butter cookies.

Mr. Michaelson called Mr. Peabody Mark and Alli said sarcastically, "Mark? Who's Mark?" and then Mr. Michaelson said in a really childish voice, "Mr. Peabody." and it was really funny.

Seventh period Laura was mad because she wanted to have sectionals, but Peabody wanted the whole woodwind section together. But it was fun because we all mixed up and I sat in the flute section and it was cool to hear parts that I normally didn't hear as well. P.E. I had fitness testing and that was okay because it was easy and my BMI was the lowest of all the Freshmen taking the test. Ms. Peisch and I both got BMIs of 21, but since neither the scale nor the measurement for height was accurate, it doesn't really matter. But it was encouraging.

I hope tomorrow will be better. No crying tomorrow. I cry a lot. I only update my blog in a bad mood, and writing my blog makes me self-pity, so it just makes things worse. That's why I cry when I write my blog. Or maybe it's PMS. ttyl

Introspection

When I saw the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, it was a great experience. I want to see it again. Easily my favorite scene is "The I Love You Song", in which Olive's parents comfort her because she is depressed, misses her mom, and her dad is abusive. It's such a beautiful song. The sample on iTunes doesn't do it justice at all. When I saw it performed something really weird happened and I'm sure you won't believe me, but I swear Betsy Wolfe (who played Ms.Peretti and Olive's mom) was looking right at me when she sang

We always knew you were a winner
We saw it when you smiled
Start from the beginning
When you were a beginner
You were the perfect child
We always knew
We always knew
You were a champion
You sadness filled my room
Dear if you should feel my gloom
Blame it on me
Blame it on your Daddalee and Mammalee
‘Cause depression runs in our family

I love you
I love you
I love everything about you dear
And I swear it’s true
I love you

The only other time I was certain an actor was looking at me was at the Marin Shakespeare Company. I can't remember what production it was, but I was playing with my retainer absently and I'm sure I looked really weird because one of the actors stared at me for a second with a "what the heck?" look on his face before continuing his monologue.

And that was embarrassing. No one else knew, but I know that's what happened. So when I thougt Betsy Wolfe was looking at me, I made sure my mouth was shut and my hair wasn't messed up or anything. I didn't know why she was staring. Maybe she just had a faraway look in her eyes and she was actually staring past me or something.

But in the hypothetical situation that she was actually looking at me while she sang, why? Did I look depressed? Did I look like I wasn't enjoying myself? I was tired, and the song is kind of calm, but I liked it. Did she just randomly pick a girl in the audience who looked to be about the same age as Olive and sing to her?

I have so much regret for things I've said. I'm sure I've ruined great relationships because I said the wrong thing. I just didn't think before saying something stupid. I want to feel special like she was singing to me, but I don't want to be let down. Then again, I'll never be able to ask her what she was doing and thinking, so why not pretend I'm special? Why not just live in my own little fantasy world that some random Broadway star dedicated a song to me?

I'll never know. For the rest of my life I'll be wondering about it. Until I decide that I don't care anymore, then maybe I'll forget it.

I finally figured myself out. I want to understand me. That's basically all I want to do in my life is to understand why I did what I did and what it means about me. So I want to find myself. That's why I'm a hypochondriac and keep thinking I have schizoid personality disorder. If I did, then it would explain everything. And then the doctors could have me figured out, and I'd finally understand. Then I could be all, "Oh, that's why I have an excessive preoccupation with fantasy and introspection; I'm schizoid."

That's really creepy. I've just been talking about fantasies and my introspection and then it's suddenly a symptom of schizoid personality disorder. Then again, it's probably a symptom of autism too. But I don't have that.

The coolest name for a disease is Marfan Syndrome. It's a genetic disorder. We had to do research on genetic disorders in seventh grade. I wanted Marfan Syndrome. I knew everythign about it already. But I forgot it all. I had to do Huntington's Disease instead, which wasn't cool because it's hard to diagnos because the symptoms vary so much.

I need to finish my research paper for English. I also need to bake cookies. But none of the recipes look good. I've tried all the good ones. I want to do something new. Maybe I'll look up a recipe on foodtv.com. ttyl!

Memory

I had a really quick dream a week ago. I was in geometry class, writing a madlib about Raoul. Raoul was giving a speech in which he clears his throat so I wrote "*Clears throat* ..." And Christina was confused so I wrote above it *coughcoughhackhackcoughcough*. And that was it.

I hope Allie gets into MSA musical theatre. Her audition went really well. After her audition, I had an urge to sing "I'm Not That Smart". I had the choreography and everything in my mind. But it will never happen. It's one thing to sing along with the CD or sing when no one can hear you, but I've never taken singing lessons or anything. I can't sing. I wish I could. I wish I could do a lot of things.

I want to do something, but I don't know what. It's a bit too late to start anything. I have no books to read in Mendocino. I'm going to be really bored. I can listen to music, write some chorales for practice, and crochet, but I want something to read too. I might even do some poetry. Mendocino does that to me.

I made a fool of myself at the soiree. I have to remember not to talk about myself or speak disparagingly about anyone. How can I expect anyone to like me if I talk too much? I guess it's better for eveyone to think I'm just a Freshman than someone who's stuck up and mean.

I betrayed my sister's trust. I told Alissa something I shouldn't have. She probably thinks I'm really mean now.

Why does everyone love Piera so much? One minute they're saying she's so mature for her age, and then they're saying she's so cute. She's everyone's friend, but then why do I feel so distant from her? She's always the center of attention, but do we really know her? But then Heidi, who is always by herself, I know her better than any of my friends do. So I guess the people who stand off to the side are the ones who really get the close friends. But then why in my birthday card did KK say she doesn't understand me? I thought she did. I've confided more in her than anyone beside my mom. It's heartbreaking to suddenly realize that your closest confidante doesn't understand you. Is this how Heidi feels about me? No, because I understand her. I'm so worried about Heidi. Madeleine better take care of her while I'm on vacation. I hope Heidi calls Madeleine too.

Who am I kidding? Heidi probably only calls me when she can't talk to Madeleine. I'm only someone's friend if no one else is availible. Laura only talks to me if Emma and Kelly aren't there. Audrey only talks to me if there aren't any boys around. Christina only talks to me if Netta isn't around. When Netta's around, she acts like I'm Houdini. I feel like Chris. Hamlet's Inner Self. Except that I have no outer self to hide behind. I wish I was schizophrenic. Audio hallucinations. Then I'd always have someone to talk to.

I'm not a good poet. I prefer using other people's words to express myself. Through song. I am so influenced by hearing music. When I'm playing music, then I control it, and influence it. It's like exacting revenge on something that is both harmful and loving at the same time.

I think if there wasn't any music to control my moods, I'd fall into depression and die. A slow and silent death. Unless KK was there for me.

I think if she read this, she'd avoid me because I've my well-being in her hands. But she'll never know.

ttyl

Are you sick of my dreams yet?

I have a lot of things to talk about. I've had five dreams, but I can't remember the first one. Or maybe it's the second one I've forgotten. And then I have an anecdote from when I was little. Maybe when I was five or six.

I walked to KK's house to return a pillow. I gave her cookies. Then KK, Gregory, KK's dad, and Simone and I drove to Japan to watch Harry Potter 3. Gregory had to stay in the car because he was too young to see it. Then KK's dad stayed in Japan for business. Simone drove us to Arkansas. We went on a train. It was in the 1800s I think, and it was the first train open to the public. It's first voyage. I didn't have a seat, and if I touched the walls, I would be electrocuted. I couldn't sit in the aisle because I couldn't be in the way of the fireman that shovels coal. That's what they're called, firemen. So that was odd, being on the very first train right after seeing Harry Potter 3. And we were only going like 40 miles an hour. Then we got to KK's house. It only took about a half hour to get from Arkansas to KK's house. Whatever. Then Natasha and Laura were there and we were talking about what we were going to bake each other. I was going to make rice crispy bars, Tasha was going to bake brownies, KK was going to bake cookies, and Laura was going to bake her famous white cake with cream frosting or something. It had like four different toppings. Then I went home and decided to bake all four just for myself. I looked over the recipe for Laura's white cake, but it said to add all the alcohol I had in the house, and I didn't want to do that, so I was confused. Then I woke up.

I was at school. All my friends had gotten into Honors English 10. Ms. McDougal was the teacher. But five minuites before class started, she quit. Then we got this really mean teacher and we were sad. Then at break Drew left his locker open. It was five lockers away from mine. Greg and some other people wanted to take everything out and throw it all away, but I just wanted to put it on the ground until Drew got back from wherever he was and let him deal with it. Then I woke up.

I was in PE. Ben was there. Then PE was over. I cant remember much about that part. Then I was an alien. I actually wasn't, because I was from Earth, but I was just special because I could shapeshift, fly, and I had limited control on fire, water, and earth. Ben and I were in an underground facility. We had to get out. I think he was an alien too, but he could only fly, shapeshift, and control fire. We eventually got out through some water pipe. We ended up in the SJMS gym. I had had this dream before. I had to get to this lake and make an archipelago of tiny islands in it. I don't know why. I think it had to do with world peace or something. The last time I had this dream, Ben wasn't there to help and I was shot before I could accomplish my task. But this time, I found Ms. Rav and told her not to shoot us. Luckily, there was only faculty this time and not the National Guard. Ben and I got to the lake, which was only like half mile away from the gym. Where the IVC would be. I made the archipelago, but I couldn't figure out what to name it. Ms. Rav and everyone caught up with us, and I had to name it before I died. I wrote using clouds, "Aep Aen Aen". The main island was named something like Aeripella. The second largest was Roucn. My task accomplished, I woke up.

I was at some camp. I had a red soccer ball. I didn't have any friends. I walked up a hill with my soccer ball. Madeleine and Christina were there. Madeleine's grandparents were too. Their house had no floors, only staircases. Anne was mad about something Rachel did. Remember, I was reading Anthony Rapp's autobiography. I did a lot of climbing around staircases and balustrades. Then I lot Ms. Early I had lost eight pounds since November. She said that was good and that was 3/4 of a pants size. I guess every like 10 pounds is a different size. I don't know. But I actually think it was since August, so it's not that impressive. And 8/10 isn't 3/4.

Those are my dreams. I wonder if this dream log will be of any use since I'm missing so many dreams. Now for the anecdote. I was in the car with my mom. We were on the freeway on our way to Safeway. I asked her if people were only black or white. She said that everyone was a different color. Then I thought about how Native Americans are reddish and Asians have yellowy skin sometimes. I don't know. I don't agree with these stereotypes now, but I was young and didn't know better. I asked my mom if people could have purple or green skin or polka dotted skin. She said she was sure it was possible. I wished I would meet someone in my life with green skin.

And then there's Wicked! Everytime I see a black bird in the western sky, I 'path it to ask to say hi to Elphaba for me. I still wishI'll meet someone with green skin. Especially Elphie. I've been green in my dreams, but it's not the same. ttyl!