Shuffle

I went to the cast party yesterday and I had a lot of fun. Near the end Indie, Ben, Brittany, and Tim were lying on the hammock and I went over and sat down next to them. Then Brittany got up and Ben invited me to take her place between him and Tim. So I did. Then Ben said he figured we'd be lying here a while, so he might as well take his shirt off and get a tan. It was slightly wet, so it stuck to his skin and he had a hard time getting it off. And he definitely did need a tan. So Ben and Tim are good friends so they talked mostly. I learned a lot of stuff about Ben. He has a girlfriend in Oakland. I'm actually really happy about that because now I can be friends with him and really convince myself that that's all there is. Then because Tim is Tim, they talked about video games and stuff. Ben had one arm around Indie and one around me and then there was Tim who didn't quite get it and was the only one fully dressed. Tim always has to bring up how he and Ben are like good and evil twins and I said I would melt of happiness if they morphed together into one super man. Then Jon came over and asked if he was the geekiest becasue he worked at a video game store, and Indie said that was geekiness squared. I said it was geekiness times Avogadro's number. Then Tim and Ben talked about how Avogadro's number is 6.02 times ten to the positive 23rd, because of a mistake that happened during Jeopardy. So we had this light conversation going on and it was really nice and I wanted it to never end, but then people started getting up. I took the chance to ask Ben about the song in the car and this is how it went.

Me: Ben, can I ask you an awkward question?
Ben: Um, sure.
Me: Remember after an Anything Goes rehearsal, you gave me a ride home and we listened to Jersey Boys?
Ben: Yeah?
Me: Why did we listen to that song?
Ben: Which one?
Me: I don't know, it was like a love song and it was really awkward.
Ben: Oh, it was on shuffle.
Me: okay.

So. I was melancholy for the rest of the day, but it might have been just because I was tired. But this shows that Ben considers me a friend and I'm content with that. I don't know him very well anyway. I want to hang out with Tim and Ben and Cameron and Emma and Keleki and Zac and that crowd more often. They are really funny and know all the words to every musical ever.

After all, everyone knows Cacambo is the coolest character in Candide. ttyl!

It's Official

Well, I blew it. I'm officially an idiot. I always sound like such a stalker when I'm around Ben. He probably thinks I'm crazy and obsessed with him. Why can't I turn back the clock and just try to be friends with him? I have to apologize for being an idiot, but I don't want it to look like I'm stalking him. He's probably avoiding me anyway. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend.

I missed out on the whole boy craziness of middle school. I've had one boyfriend in my life; the most we did was hug, it lasted a little over a month, and he has a boyfriend now. Because I wasn't friends with many guys, I don't have the social skills to be able to coherently talk to one now, when we actually have hormones. Why can't I just be normal and act normal around people? I don't know how to get to know people. I wish I were more outgoing and funny. But that's not going to happen, so I'm just going to be the quiet one sitting in a corner until he forgets I exist.

Try not to get worried
Try not to turn on to problems that upset you, oh
Don't you know everything's alright, yes
Everything's fine
And it's cool and the ointment sweet
For the fire in your head and feet

I can't even look him in the face when I'm near him. His gaze is too powerful. I'm in love with a dream; I don't even know him. I'm only friends with him when I'm asleep. I'm going to write a story about a girl who was in a terrible accident and is confined to a hospital bed. When she sleeps, she dreams about a man whom she falls in love with. Every night, they spend the precious hours together, doing whatever they please. Each morning, she becomes frustrated with herself when she wakes that she can no longer be with him until night. She tells a sibling or close friend, who adamantly scolds that he's not real and she's crazy, but she doesn't listen. Then one morning, she and her lover are together and in the back of her mind she hears her sibling or friend trying to wake her, but she pushes this away. She looks at her lover and in her eyes he knows she wants to stay with him forever, so he tells her that she can stay, but she can never go back. With that, she severs all earthly ties and fully enters the dream. At the last moment, she is vaguely aware of her sibling or friend weeping over her dead body, until her dreamscape slowly fades to black. The dream must cease when the dreamer is no more.

Only when I'm with Erik, I won't die because my soul will be with him in Heaven already. I think Ben is just supposed to be my muse. You don't have to be romantically invloved with your muse. They just have to inspire you. Well, I'll be sure to think of him when I have time to do something recreational. I need to go to bed. I don't know Ben, and it's against everything I cherish to be in love with a face, no matter how beautiful he is. Then again, how will I every fully appreciate Erik until I know the other side of the coin? Anyway, it's late. ttyl!

Can't Take My Eyes Off You

Ben gave me a ride home from Anything Goes rehearsal and we listened to this song from Jersey Boys. With Ben it is always extremes. Ergo, it was really really awkward. I wished I knew the song so I could sing it to him. He said, "Listen to this, this is a good song." does that mean "I like this song, it's cute" or "Imagine me singing this to you"? The more I listen to the song, the more I wish the answer is number two. I had the best dream last night and it involved Ben.

I'm hungry and don't have much time. ttyl!

Rehearsal for Anything Goes

I had a crazy dream last night. What else is new. I was getting set up for an Anything Goes rehearsal and I was trying to find Ben because I love Ben, but Mr. Sinaiko kept getting in my way and I was being really autistic and he was too close and it was scary. He kept taunting me about a dream I had that he was in, but it wasn't a dream that I actually had. It had something to do with blackberries. I don't think I ever found Ben because something else happened and then everyone left because rehearsal had ended.

I want to take some classes at College of Marin over the summer. I want to take beginning architectural design, intro to psychology, and intro to theatre. I also want to take 2-D computer graphics for architecure, but it has an advised prerequisite of beginning architectural drafting, which doesn't look as interesting as beginning design. I'll probably only take one at most because they're all at the Kentfield campus.

I'm almost finished with my vocab project. I have to put a title on it and then I think that's it. Most of my words are from comics, crosswords, and other word puzzles. I have a lot of extra words. I think I'll give some of them to Netta and save the rest for some lucky Freshman.

Keleki lost her voice last night. She had to suffer through two songs and then Corey sang all of Friendship and then Paige sang for her the rest of the night. The band practically died when Connor pushed the old lady over. It's not that it was especially funny, but he'd never done it before. My favorite line is Corey's "Calling all pants, calling all pants, calling all pants!" I'm going to bring in a bird caller thing for Corey's song. I'll make Josh play it. It'll be funny.

Gypsy in Me is my favorite song from Anything Goes. I'm glad that I get to play in it, but I'm sad that I don't get to see Zac and Keleki dance during it.

I have to do my Spanish homework. ttyl!