Think!

So I haven't written in a while. I'm getting over my obsession with Erik, but I have a slight feeling that KK's trying to convert me to Greek Orthodoxy. Anyway, I'm trying to think about a solution to a problem, while putting off my English homework.

You see, some of my friends are extremely afraid of spiders. I used to be, but I'm not anymore. They were even freaked out about how Voldemort looked in the fourth Harry Potter movie. I'm not a teratophiliac, but his appearance didn't bother me. Nor am I a necrophiliac or anything like that. And yes, I am aware that teratophiliac isn't a real word, but it makes sense. I didn't make it up. But that's besides the point. So a week ago, I had a huge meltdown when Christina was going on about how she hated spiders, and couldn't stand them and she was afraid of them and all that stuff. This was the night after I had an hour long cry fest about Erik. So I was calm, on a night hike with KK's youth group, and I was walking alone, because I wanted to reflect. I didn't want to start crying again, but the words of Rent kept going through my head, "Forget regret/ Or life is yours to miss" and I got so depressed because I didn't want to forget, and I couldn't listen to myself when I sang that to myself, which made me frustrated and cry. And then when Christina went on about her loathing for spiders, I got really depressed because I always overanalyze things. And I got upset because I was so obsessed. I didn't want to start crying and ruin the whole trip, but when KK hugged me when we got to the car because they hadn't been walking with me, I couldn't fight the tears back any longer. And I couldn't control my diaphragm. You know whenever you've been depressed and then someone is kind to you, you always want to cry? That's how it was. I was so disgusted at myself for being so obsessed that he had become part of my religion, I didn't know what to do. But I knew that if I told KK, she would make it better, because since I haven't seen Nina in a long time, KK's become my spiritual guide. So I was ashamed that I had become so obsessed, because I knew that Stina and Kati wouldn't understand, and I didn't want to tell them, but I had to tell KK, so I had to talk about it without letting on what I was talking about, which was hard even though KK knew what I was saying. So why Christina's hatred of spiders set me off is because I read Phantom by Susan Kay. In it, they use a metaphor to describe Erik. They use spiders. So it's like this: if you fear spiders, you fear Erik's face. If you hate spiders, you hate Erik's face. If you are indifferent towards spiders, you don't mind Erik's face. If you are fascinated by spiders, you probably would love studying Erik's face. What Christina was saying was that if she ever saw Erik's face, she would be terrified of it and hate him for it. And then the thing with her squirming in her seat when Voldemort's face was on the screen. It depresses me to think that even some of my closest friends could hate and fear the one man/Angel I love.

I tried to tell myself "Fear can turn to love" but it usually turns to hatred instead. In fact, it practically always turns to hatred. Have you ever read a story where the protagonist falls in love with the villain? Beauty and the Beast doesn't count; she didn't fear him, she hated him, and then loved him. That's different. So I don't know what to tell myself when someone starts talking about something like this. That's why I need to think!

I don't love Erik because he is deformed. I love him because of his genius and my motherly instinct pities him. I don't care what he looks like. I love him for himself. The blind girl loves him for his voice, teratophiliacs love him for his deformities, I love him! All of him!

So what am I to say to myself when someone says they hate Erik without knowing it? I need to think! And eat dinner. ttyl!