Back from Caz

I got back from Caz on Saturday. I have missed writing in my blog terribly, because now I forget all the stuff i was going to complain about. When I got to Caz, I thought I was lucky because a lot of the girls that were in my cabin last year were in my cabin again. But then I realized they were all preps and boy-crazy and I didn't like them and they never acknowledged my prescence, save for twice. The first time was when I was reading "Black Like Me" One of the girls said, "Emily, you're not black." and I said "Yeah I know." Then one of them said, "Then why are you reading 'Black Like Me?'" I told them it was because the author darkened his skin to see what it was like to be a black man. The second time was when I was reading "Black like Me" and a guy Mark, who all the girls were swooning over, saw me reading at the table next to him and all the girls. He said the same thing as the other girl who asked me about my book. One of the girls acknowledged my existence by yelling, "Why does everyone ask her that?" I muttered to myself, "You should talk; you did too." But she didn't hear me of course, because then they were too wrapped up in chatting about somehting else.

So as you can see, I was an outcast in my cabin. I am not boy-crazy, but there was one guy who was extremely hot, I'll see if I can put his pic up later, and he was the same guy I liked last year. But it's really nothing, there are other guys that are hot too, my age, and nice to me, so I don't know why I even like him, besides the fact that his hair is the most beautiful thing in the world. So I was the night after the first concert and everyone was at the dance, save for me and some other loser guys. The dance ended, and I got in bed twenty minutes before Taps played. I pulled my sleeping bag over my head and cried. It's really lame, I know. I cried for jealousy because Danny was dacnign with someone else (duh, I wasn't even at the dance, and he's a counselor anyway), because no one in my cabin liked me, I missed my family, I wanted to go home, and because there was no way to make amends with the girls in my cabin. I couldn't tell my counselors because then they would tell the girls and they'd be falsely nice to me, and none of them even noticed me shaking in my sleeping bag as sobs silently racked my body, and they all had guys to think about and like and I had nothing. That the was first night I cried myself to sleep. The second one was for the same reasons except that I didn't cry for Danny because I didn't even like him romantically, I just wanted to be able to talk to him and be friends with him and stare at him and his hair. But he didn't like me at all, he just thought I was annoying, like everyone else at Caz.

Then it was Camper Ensemble Night, the last night of Caz. We went to the Shell, which is the amphitheatre, and sat down. I was asked to scoot down more. I gladly did this because I didn't want to sit near the preps anyway. Plus I could see now if any of the girls in my cabin would willingly sit by me, instead of just because there's no other space. To my luck, one girl sat with me, Franzi. She plays cello and is very funny. She's going out with Gabe. Yeah, I know, big shock. But they make a very cute couple. She said she liked me and thought I was funny and cool. I wanted to cry then and there because there was actually someone in my cabin who didn't think ill of me. That night the was third and final time I cried myself to sleep.

Now don't go thinking I was a shy nobody who didn't talk to anyone, waiting for everyone to talk to me first, before I talked to them. I did talk to a lot of people. I tried to make friends with the not-so-preppy-people in my cabin, who weren't all friends from school and had requested to be in the same cabin together. But they too found me annoying and too touchy-feely. Madeleine, I now know there are people worse than you. In that sense of needing personal space. I miss you Smads!!! At least I know that with you, our friendship, however feeble it becomes, won't die because I poked you one too many times, or jumped on your shoulder as I ran past you.

I mean, there were people I could talk to, but only Franzi was kind enough to say that I was her friend. There people I am grateful to have met, even if it isn't mutual with them, and even though it might not have seemed like it at the time. Billie Rae seemed like the innocent kind of person who can have fun sharing jokes and not having to think about things the stereotypical teenager thinks about (boys and all that stuff). She's very funny and I hope we stay in touch because her personality is infectious and she's a joy to be around. Sofia and Lea were great partners in our trio and we had a lot of fun. Elizabeth, I thought was going to be a party animal, except she liked Phantom of the Opera, but she had the personal space issue too, so I couldn't be my hyper self around her. My hyper self only made an appearance when Sarah showed up, who was Gabby's friend, who was one of my counselors. Sarah was hilarious, if I go to Caz next summer, I'm requesting to be in her cabin. Many a mealtime she sat with us and annoyed Gabby. Good times :) And, of course, there's everyone in Emily Lawyer's cabin who I sat with and chatted with and stuff. I knew a lot of them from years past and from clarinet class and stuff like that.

Well, I'm done talking about the social aspect of Caz. ttyl!