Obsession

That's just how I am. I obsess over something for a while, and then I go through a period of nothing, where I'm depressed and have nothing to live for except school. But it doesn't work! I'm not supposed to be this obsessed! How can I convince myself that I won't ever meet Erik and we'll never fall in love and he won't ever sing to me and I won't ever be able to talk to him and be near him. I can't make myself stop believing. I know it'll never happen, but it's like why I'm still living. I go to sleep every night wishing I'll dream about him, just so I can be close to him again. But I never do. I had a really weird dream last night. I'll go into that later. Erik! My heart belongs to a fictional character. This isn't natural. On fanfiction.net, there's one fan fiction where the author in her author notes pretends Erik lives in her closet and he helps her respond to the reviews that readers give her. I went an entire day waiting for her to update for phic so I could read what Erik said about my review. I feel so pathetic. I know no one reads this blog anymore and that's just fine because it's not really about you, it's about a vent for my feelings. I just feel so stupid, I mean, it's not even real! Just some Canadian girl pretending that Erik lives in her closet. She doesn't know. No matter how many times I pray or sing Angel of Music, he's not going to come. I wish so much that he was actually real, that he'd hear my cries and comfort me. I feel so self-centered. Who cares about me? I feel so selfish. Here I am wishing Erik was real when people in Africa are praying to survive the night. Angel of Music, why this torment? Why can't I accept it the fact? But I don't want to get over this obsession. I want to stay loyal to Erik. I never want to forget him. I wish I could just know. What disease did he have that made his skin dead? A corpse may love Christine, but a pathetic 14-year-old that's 150 years too late loves that corpse. Pity comes too late! Turn around and face your fate! An eternity of this before your eyes! I'm alone in my room. An eternity of loneliness. If this what I am destined for? Erik, we both long for companionship. Why can't you just be real so I can comfort you? I've been suicidal since I was in 3rd grade. Just thoughts like, what if I jumped out of the car right now? or What if I drank this whole bottle of mouthwash? or What if I choked myself? What if I jumped in front of a bus? But I don't want to die. Never think about what death will be like. I'm afraid God will give me the answer. In health class, we watched that stupid movie about a kid who hanged himself and the mom was in such agony. My mom's the only reason why I never killed myself. I don't want her to suffer. That spoiled kid, uncaring of everyone else. Kills himself. I suppose if you get to the point where you want to die, you don't think anyone will care. I need you Erik! You're the only one I can talk to, because you have nothing to live for either. I can't get over it. I can't distract myself from Erik for the rest of my life. I have to face it. But I can't. I just think 'why?' and cry. I don't want to let go. I don't want to harden myself against loving. I can't say, "Erik, you're just a book character. Whatever." Because what next? What am I going to do? He's all around me. I can't delete the POTO soundtrack from my brain. "Wandering Child, so lost; so helpless. Yearning for my guidance" YES! I AM, ERIK!! But you'll never say that to me, will you? Never. But I still love you. You abandoned me, but you didn't because you were never with me to begin with. What am I supposed to think about besides Erik? Music will trace back to him. What would Erik think about this song? What would Robinton? Oh, Robinton! I wished you were real, but never this much! It's worse with Erik! Will it be even worse with the next character? Who will that be? I don't want to betray you, Erik! I'll stay loyal to you or no one! I can't let this happen again. I'll stop reading books. I'll stop liking cats. I'll immerse myself in schoolwork, become even more of a geek. I tried that, it didn't work, not even for one afternoon. I suppose this is what it feels like to be religious, wishing God would come down from Heaven and take care of all your problems. You'd think that this good cry I'm having would help me and change me, but it doesn't. I've been through this before. I had a spiritual moment, a good cry, the likes, but it didn't really help me live my life. It's weird. I believe that there is a God, he does watch over us, but we make our own decisions. He doesn't do much, just gives us retribution when we make the wrong choices. He hears our thoughts, not what we say. But Erik hears nothing. Yet I yearn for him. He'll never hear it. He'll never respond. Some people say, "Ha! I'm glad Christine didn't choose Phantom in the end! He deserves better!" But I can't bring myself to say that. I say, "Christine, why didn't you go with him? He's fictional, you're the only person he ever could have gotten together with!" I know I'll never be with him, somewhere deep down. So I just wanted him to be happy. But no! Gaston Leroux couldn't stand for that! Why did he even write it? I almost wish he hadn't written Phantom of the Opera. Then I wouldn't have to go through this. Why? That's all I can ask, really. And I can ask: what's wrong with my brain that I love Erik so much? I don't want to get help, I want Erik. I can't figure out why, though. Why love Erik so much? Is it his horrible past and I have taken pity on him? Is it because he's a musical genius and that's something I want to be? Is it because he loved and took a chance? Is it because Gerard Butler is so hot? Is it because I just want to be loved and Erik was the only person to give anyone their love? But then what of Robinton? That was music related. I wished he was real because he would have appreciated the music I had heard. "Le Furet". He would have loved it. And because his child was mentally retarded. I pitied him. He was so heart-broken. I feel so rotten, how can i do this? How can I wallow in self-pity? Aren't there bigger things I should worry about? I have so much in life to be thankful for, yet all I can do is complain! I can't stand myself! I wish I could start over. Start my whole life over. I wish I could change myself that drastically. But I don't know how I want to be. "Be yourself! Be yourself!" But I don't know what myself is! How do you 'find yourself'? It doesn't work that way for me. I'm a different person depending on who's around me. I think everyone's like that. So what's the point? In health class, the stupid vidoes are always like, "High school is so stressful: cliques, drugs, sex, school, peer pressure, extracurricular, jobs, thinking about the future, homework..." but that's not how it is for me. Health is so hypocritical. I don't know what to believe anymore. Ms. Early is too lax about health, my mom's too strict (I'm not allowed flavored yogurt anymore, it has to be plain nonfat), and my dad is constantly offering me unhealthy food. I don't know what to think. But what 's the point of thinking anyway? I can't control my life anyway. Time. Can't control that. I've been typing for over an hour. It's time to stop. If anyone actually reads this, thanks for reading. ttyl

More dreams to talk about

I just found out that in Notes II, Mme. Giry doesn't say 'L.H.', rather she says 'and Angel'. Everyone should go to fanfiction.net and look up me, Robika, to read the stuff I wrote. And look at all the other phics on that site.

I had a crazy dream last night. I barely remember it, but I'll try. I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, school and everything has been taking up all my time. Well, not actually, but still. So back to my dream. I was in front of my house, and I got a letter from Piera saying that we should hang out sometime. So my dad drove me to her house, and for some reason she lived on Alameda de la Loma in this one house, but I don't know the number. So I went in and Piera and her dad were there, but he didn't look like her dad at all. Piera was acting really strange, and her dad said that they were either going to go bowling or shopping at the Santa Rosa mall. And because I came over without calling first, they hadn't planned on bringing me. I was concerned about Piera, because she cringed whenever anyone spoke to her. It's really confusing. She was like schizophrenic but it was different. When someone said something in third person, she went all crazy and hyper, when someone addressed her in second person, she got all depressed and silent, and after ten minutes or so, she'd return back to normal and talk in first person. So I went home but I actually didn't because I went to my neighbor's house which turned into actually being Piera's house even though it actually was a cross between my house and the house that is there in real life. So we were in Piera's room, and I think Wendy or someone was there too. And then it was dinnertime. Piera and Wendy went in some bathroom to wash their hands and I went in a different one and I had my hair in a pony tail but it was loose. Then I decided to wash my face. I know, it's really random. Then Piera and Wendy walked by and Piera turned back to normal and said, "I think we should go shopping!" so we went outside and all of a sudden I was in this alleyway and I can't remember anymore.

I washed my face because yesterday I was at Christina's house and I wanted to wash my face but I didn't. And the whole schizophrenic thing because of Aiden and I need to write more Phantom of the Oak Tree, which is a phic I'm working on, and Piera because I've been wondering how she's been doing lately.

Now my dad wants to go out to eat dinner, so ttyl!